But that’s not all! Once you join the newsletter, your email is placed in a monthly drawing for your pick of any of my products: Zombie Turkeys, My Undead Mother-in-law, Zombie Turkeys audio book, and Zombie Turkeys Graphic Novel.
The mother-in-law has landed! That is, her book, My Undead Mother-in-law (M.U.M.) has arrived at Jule Inc. Those who’ve won free books (four) and who’ve picked M.U.M. will get one. Those who haven’t picked a prize yet, contact me, Andy Zach.
Indeedy do! The third book in the Life After Life Chronicles, my humorous zombie books set in our modern society has the working title Paranormal Privateers.
Research topics I covered for the next book were Somali piracy and letters of marque. Did you know the last letter of marque was issued in 1815 for the ship the Grand Turk, to be used against the Barbary pirates? It was never used since the second Barbary pirate war ended.
Color picture of US 16th President Lincoln. He almost issued a letter of marque.
Then later on President Lincoln thought of using them against the Confederacy but didn’t. The Confederacy, however, issued letters of marque against the Union.
Finally, Ron Paul introduced bills for letters of marque against Al-Qaida in 2001 and 2007. In 2010, a Navy lawyer researched the plausibility of letters of marque against modern pirates and concluded it was a good idea.
Andy’s autographed picture
What do you think? Respond in the comments or by email to [email protected].
“What’s ‘Happy Undead Mother-in-law Day? I know all about Valentine’s Day. That’s February 14th. What’s up with Happy Undead Mother-in-law?” you may ask.
My Undead Mother-in-law. Get it for your mother-in-law! Click here.
I’m glad you asked! It so happens My Undead Mother-in-law begins on Valentine’s Day. As the book opens, the family has dinner together, the undead zombies and the normal family members. Naturally, we celebrate it every year.
Finally, if you’re desperate, you can always do what I do when I want to read a book and not pay for it. Go to Amazon and click on the ‘Look Inside’ button and read random sections until you’ve read it all.
One more thing: here’s a Review
Why is this my favorite review? It’s from a professional author who doesn’t like zombie books, yet loved My Undead Mother-in-law..
When I started to read this book, I was leery. As far as I know, I’m less interested in zombies than anyone on the planet. How could I give a reasonable review? Turns out, it wasn’t hard at all. I’ve said before and it turned out to be true here that, if you have a ridiculous premise that’s hard to swallow, run with it, normalize it, and readers /viewers will eventually accept. And it worked. The original premise of cognizant, virtually indestructible zombies was lobbed and backed until I was a believer, actively rooting for zombies. Plenty of (bloodier than average) action, some smiling, if not guffaw humor, a nice fulfilling story arc in an easy readable length made for a fun book (if bloody action doesn’t bother you) with charm that didn’t take itself to seriously but still capable of many a tender and touching moments.
I’m glad my prejudice didn’t keep me from enjoying this out-of-the-common-way story.
Happy Undead Mother-in-law’s Day – Now What’s Next?
What’s next? I loved Diane Newby, my Happy Undead Mother-in-law so much, I wrote another novel with her as the main character, Paranormal Privateers. I put Diane and her family on a superyacht and send them around the world as privateers fighting enemies of the US with a letter of Marquis from the President.
Here’s the cover:
The cover of my third novel Paranormal Privateers. Click to get yours.
The Paranormal Privateers back cover. Click to get it.
But that’s not all! I’ve got the back cover for you, which I like even more:
Welcome 2024! Pick Up More Gifts for the 12 Days of Christmas. In this post you can get book excerpts, free, and discounted books for you!
You may be familiar with the 12 days of Christmas song. The actual 12 day festival ran from December 25th to January 6th, also known as Epiphany, when Christians celebrated the appearance of the wise men or magi from the east.
The Secret Supers are bored out of their minds during summer vacation-until they go to Space Camp. They learn all about the space program, try out moon gravity and zero-g simulations, and practice docking with the International Space Station.
But that’s the easy part. The villains they defeated in the past are back with a diabolical plot that renders the middle schoolers’ superpowers ineffective. Jeremy, Aubrey, Dan, and Kayla face the biggest challenge of their lives. Even if they escape the villains’ clutches, will they survive?
Find out in Secret Supers in Space!
Pick Up More Gifts – Seven Swans a-Swimming
Where do I have seven swans a-swimming in my books? How about seven turkeys? Or more? Check out this excerpt from Zombie Turkeys from Chapter 9 – Chicago. Note the aquarium type chapter icon.
They very cautiously looked in the topmost door. The door opened onto a platform looking down on a large pool full of sea creatures–including a great white shark. A man was there at the edge of the pool, blowing a turkey call. “GOBBLE! GOBBLE!” That was the odd sound Sam had heard. The zombie turkeys responded, “Gobble! Gobble!” and advanced en masse on the man, surrounding him. They seemed mesmerized by the call, staring with red eyes, but quietly marching forward. The man wore a khaki, camouflaged hunting outfit, cammo boots, and a full, bushy beard.
Sam called to him, “Hey you! You can escape this way!”
He looked at them, “Yeah, I know. I’ve got to kill these buggers.”
“How will you kill them with a turkey caller?”
Pick Up More Gifts – Excerpt Continues
“By getting them into the pool with me. It’s salt water. I’ve already gone through my ammo!” He jumped into the aquarium.
“Noo! ” Lisa gasped.
From the water he called, ” GOBBLE! GOBBLE!” Like lemmings, the massed turkeys moved forward, plopping into the water like feathered, twenty pound Alka Seltzers. The ones behind pressed the others forward. Soon, hundreds upon hundreds of turkeys covered the surface of the water, like a turkey patterned pool cover.
As soon as they were in the salt water, the zombie turkeys lost their red eyes. They swam as well as turkeys normally do; badly. Then the great white shark hit. Gobbling the turkeys three and four at a time, the shark was delighted to have this extra feeding. This food was so fresh and crunchy!
The shark was an automatic eating machine; bite, crunch, swallow, bite crunch, swallow.
This excerpt is gift number two of seven. (After the Secret Supers in Space) Here are three free books in exchange for a review:
Next, get personal with me, Andy Zach! Talk to me! You can reach me on x.com.
On to more days of Christmas–and gifts!
Pick Up More Gifts – Eight Maids a-Milking
Do I have eight maids a-milking in my writing? Anywhere? Not exactly. I do have eight reporters covering the zombie turkey outbreak for the Midley Beacon and milking it for all it’s worth. This excerpt fromZombie Turkeys, with the Chapter 9 Chicago icon. That’s a turkey caller in the turkey’s mouth. Why? Read and find out.
“I never thought I’d say this, Sam, but I think the story has gotten too big for the Midley Beacon. I’ve added a zombie turkey Twitter feed to our site, but this is way too big for us to be everywhere, even with the six new reporters I’ve hired. I’ve sent one to Bartonville and Peoria, one to Princeville, two to Joliet, one to Tinley Park, and one to Chicago. Chicago alone should have six reporters.”
“Well, let’s go to Chicago then. Three are better than one.”
“I’m with you on that. Lemme give Charlie a call. He’s our guy in Chicago.” She called Charlie Gomez, one of their new reporters. “Hi Charlie, where are you?”
Pick Up More Gifts – Excerpt Part 2
“I can barely hear you. Oh, keep your head down, then. We’ll cover the loop activity then. Ok, good reporting. Stay alive! Report daily or more often! Bye.”
“What’s up with Charlie?”
“He’s in the middle of the zombie turkey firefight in Soldiers Field. It’s quite a melee there. Let’s go to the loop.”
How about eight gifts? In addition to the excerpt above, I’ve got seven books available through free audiobook codes:
Zombie Turkeys fly to escape to Zombie Turkey hunters
Have I got the excerpt for you! I’ve got twenty or more ladies dancing in this scene from My Undead Mother-in-law.
Frank always got hyped up before an operation, but this one was the strangest he’d ever been on. He’d done his time in Afghanistan and Iraq—that was where he’d lost his leg to an IED. When the marine doctors offered him a chance to get it back through zombie blood, he’d leapt upon it like a duck on a bug. Now he was landing a whole platoon of marines on a superyacht of a criminal, to prepare the landing of more zombies.
Things got stranger. Looking at the helipad as he descended, he saw a crowd of hula-skirt-clad girls—good looking ones too! The crowd resolved itself into a formation: a smiley face! As he landed and brought his weapon to ready, he saw each girl carried a basket of leis.
The Dancing Begins
My Undead Mother-in-law cover.
“Welcome! Welcome!” they chorused in their soprano voices. They ran up to put the leis over his head. He kept them away with the bayonet on his automatic shotgun. Laughing, the nearest ones tossed leis over his gun and over his head. “Aloha Oe” blared in the background on the outdoor speakers as the attractive ladies began to sway in a hula dance en masse.
Yellow flowers decorated his head and his rifle. He felt awkward and a right fool. Already the battle plan was out the window.
“Ladies! Please gather over here!” He followed the contingency plan for if they surrendered.
Giggling, the hundred or so beauties compliantly assembled in the landing circle under the V-22, their hair and grass skirts blowing wildly in the hot rotor wash. After tearing his eyes from their shapely legs, he saw his friend Lieutenant Gerber walk up to him, festooned in leis.
“Not bad duty, eh?”
“Something about this smells.”
“Well, here come the zombie bulls. And turkeys.”
Nine gifts? How about nine discounts for autographed books? These paperbacks are discounted from the Amazon price. Get them here:
Welcome 2024 Pick Up More Gifts – Ten Lords a-Leaping
Zombie Detective cover.
I don’t have ten lords a leaping (I do have several dozen drug lords, though). How about leaping hippos? What, you don’t believe me? Check out this hippo excerpt from Zombie Detective.
“Let me finish with the background. We wanted a fast-growing, healthy strain of pigs. I thought, Wouldn’t it be great if they grew as fast as zombie turkeys?”
“Uh-oh.”
“Right. I created a pig modified with zombie turkey and hippo and mouse DNA.”
“What?” Sam’s stomach clenched.
“I won’t go into all my failures with other combinations. This one worked. I get pigs that grow from piglets to full-grown in four weeks.”
“But what’s the catch?”
“They look like hippos. And they grow only to about one pound.”
Micro-hippo
“Sounds more like a failure than a success.”
“They do taste like pork. And they reproduce fast enough to make up for their lack of size. But―” Bryce stopped and sighed.
“Tell me the worst.”
“They escaped my lab. They’re infesting the whole building. People keep finding them in the toilets. It’s very upsetting.”
So, these hippos leap and scamper like rats. Aquatic rats. Here’s a drawing of one from the chapter about them.
You want eight more gifts? Get all my excerpts for each of my books!
Welcome 2024 Pick Up More Gifts – Eleven Pipers Piping
This’ll be a different set of gifts. I love bagpipes. I have a Youtube category of them. So I’ll share my favorite bagpipe videos with you. Eleven of them!
Pick Up More Gifts – Don’t Forget Your Free Book–Until January 9th
First an excerpt:
We arrived at the top. “Time to ship out the Supers.” Papa Smith hauled out Aubrey and Jeremy. I unloaded Kayla and Dan. We lined them up on the floor.
“It’d be so easy to eliminate them here.”
“Yes, Loretta, but the consequences will follow us. And there’s no money in it. Think of each of them as a billion dollars.”
