Welcome 2024! 12 Gifts for the 12 Days of Christmas. I’m author Andy Zach and I’ve got the latest reviews, free, and discounted books for you! Let’s start with the reviews!
You may be familiar with the 12 days of Christmas song. The actual 12 day festival ran from December 25th to January 6th, also known as Epiphany, when Christians celebrated the appearance of the wise men or magi from the east.
Here’s the song:
Welcome 2023 – A Partridge in a Pear Tree
What is my writing is like a Partridge in a Pear Tree? How about a turkey in a tree? This excerpt from Zombie Turkeys.
“Come back for more? Eat fire and die!” She sprayed napalm ferociously. It didn’t ignite. The spark ignition failed. Without thinking, she leapt toward the nearest tree, shedding the useless tank with a shrug of her shoulders. In case she needed any additional motivation, the turkeys pecked her butt all the way up.
The turkeys did not give up trying to get her in the tree. They kept flying up and attacking her. She wielded her Bowie knife. That was Rulon’s gift to her. He had it inscribed “To Lashon, from Rulon.” After about ten minutes of fighting them off, her arm was getting tired. She switched to her left arm. She wasn’t particularly dexterous with her left, but she didn’t have to be. Twenty pound turkeys who flew straight at you didn’t require much precision to strike. The most disheartening thing was, she’d stab one through the heart, have it drop fifteen to the ground with a satisfying “Thud!”, and then have it stagger to its feet five minutes later and fly back up fifteen minutes later.
Welcome 2024 – Two Turtledoves
Did you enjoy our free excerpt? Great!
But where can I find two turtledoves in my writing? I don’t have any. But I have two chipmunks from my villain in My Undead Mother-in-law
Hundreds of miles away, Vik Staskas smiled to himself. Nothing like bringing his objects of interest directly into his reach. Vik was not a sentimental man, but he had a fondness for his cyborg chipmunks since they were his first cyborg animals he had created for his Ph.D. A computer chip listened, saw, and transmitted via 4G cell phone network to his cell or the nearest computer screen in his network. While one chipmunk listened above their office, another had chewed a hole in the ceiling and watched them and Lisa’s large computer screen. Vik whimsically named them Alvin and Theodore.
But this free excerpt is not your only gift: Have a free copy of My Undead Mother-in-law! Just click here.
All I ask is that you review the book after you’re done.
And here’s a review for you:
Brad Secrest 61 reviews
Great story! This is a hilarious Superhero Zombie bit of fun. All of the characters are fantastic. You’ll fall in love with at least 10 of them. 🙂 Highly recommended for the humorous sci-fi zombie lover.
Welcome 2024 – Three French Hens
I don’t have three French hens for you either. But I have three detectives in my Zombie Detective novel. And they’re in New York City, so that’s like the ‘French Connection’.
Sorry, that’s the best I can do!
Check out the excerpt:
“I’ll have you meet the detectives on the case.” He pressed his comm. “Tammy? Send in Boxer and Poodles.”
“Your detectives are named Boxer and Poodles?”
“Boxer is his real name. Ted Boxer. ‘Poodles’ is a nickname for Penelope Palmer.”
“I’d think she’d go by ‘Penny.’”
“She hates Penny. Don’t ask her why. Wait till you see her.”
The pair entered. Ted Boxer was a smiling, handsome man in his forties with short blond hair combed back from his forehead. Penelope, or Poodles, was half a head taller than Ted, with long legs and arms and curly hair englobing her head in a sphere of ringlets.
“Boxer, Poodles, this is Sam Melvin. I told you he’d be helping.”
“Pleased to meet you, Sam.” Ted pumped his hand vigorously.
“Likewise.”
Sam looked to Poodles. She had an attractive brown face with a serious, almost stern look.
“I don’t do glad-handing. I don’t like people in general.”
“Uh, OK. So I should call you Poodles?”
“That’s my name.” She looked reproachfully at Sam, like he should know better.
Your other two gifts? Get two discounted books for .99 Zombie Turkeys and Secret Supers
Welcome 2024 – Four Calling Birds
I’ve got four calling birds for you–and a lot more.
In Paranormal Privateers, my zombie turkeys have been weaponized by the undead mother-in-law and used–well, you’ll see in the following excerpt.
Looking at Lulu and Sharon, I said, “I’ll take half the animals and go to the left around the main base. You go the other way. Try not to kill anyone unless it’s absolutely necessary. You know how pro-life we are.”
The zombie animals all obeyed human zombies, but not much else. They could follow simple commands: “This way,” “Stop,” “Left,” “Right.” The corgis were the most obedient, the turkeys the least. They knew not to eat people without permission—barely. The bulls followed heel and leg direction like horses—eventually.
The corgis and bulls raced around the compound with us. The zombie turkeys milled outside the walls, eating anyone who sought to flee. As we caught people, I directed them to lay down on the ground and I tied them up with the zip ties I had picked up in the garage. I encountered steady gunfire, but after it proved completely ineffective against us zombies, people just started running. I pursued.
What else do I have for you? How about free audiobooks. Click to get any or all of Zombie Detective, My Undead Mother-in-law, Paranormal Privateers. The offer is good until I run out of free codes for you.
Welcome 2024 – Five Gold Rings!
Do I have five gold rings for you? No, but I have several billion dollars stolen by my criminals in Secret Supers in Space.
Read a little about it in this excerpt:
We arrived at the top. “Time to ship out the Supers.” Papa Smith hauled out Aubrey and Jeremy. I unloaded Kayla and Dan. We lined them up on the floor.
“It’d be so easy to eliminate them here.”
“Yes, Loretta, but the consequences will follow us. And there’s no money in it. Think of each of them as a billion dollars.”
“Nice idea, Papa.”
There’s four more gifts with this one!
You can get your free review copy by clicking here.
Get your discounted signed copy by clicking here. Free shipping from the author.
How about a free audiobook or two? Get your Secret Supers in Space by clicking here!! You might as well pick up your free Villain’s Vacation while you’re at it.
Welcome 2024 – Six Geese a-laying!
You might guess that I don’t have geese a-laying, any number. But I do have zombie turkeys laying eggs. In fact, I have a whole sub-plot devoted to it–int two different books.
Let’s give you the Zombie Turkeys excerpt:
“Approximately one hundred fifty thousand domestic turkeys have gone zombie, and approximately one hundred thousand wild turkeys. The National Turkey Institute has bred zombie turkeys and discovered their growth cycle is vastly accelerated. The eggs hatch faster, the poults grow faster and are dangerous within three weeks. There are an estimated one hundred thousand new zombie turkeys added to the flocks ravaging Illinois since the plague began at the beginning of November.
“Furthermore, not only are the zombie turkeys resistant to damage, and not only do they regenerate quickly, but once regenerated, they are two to three times stronger than normal turkeys.
“Citizens are advised to stay within their homes. Those with bunkers or air raid shelters should stay in them until further notice. Those on the road to Illinois are advised to stop and return home. The Federal government has stopped all road, sea, and air traffic to Illinois. The US Army, Marines and Air Force are currently conducting operations against the zombie turkeys and expect to eliminate them within a week.
Four more gifts Below
Aside from the free excerpt, you can listen to Zombie Turkeys, Zombie Detective, My Undead Mother-in-law, Paranormal Privateers, and Oops! on Audible for free. Be sure to check out my great voice actors, Phil Blechman and others. There’s a link to Audible by each book cover.
Then we have:
Next is Paranormal Privateers Click to listen
After that, you’ve got Oops! Tales of the Zombie Turkey Apocalypse
Six More Days of Gifts to Come
I’ll make another post for the last twelve days of Christmas by Sunday, January 7th, 2024. I have a lot more gifts and discounts for you!
If you have any questions or comments for me, leaven them here.
Buy any of my books directly from me at my store. Click here.
