Belated Mothers Day to My Undead Mother-in-law! What do you give to a mother-in-law who is nearly unkillable? How about new readers?
I’m giving you every excerpt I have about this delightful, middle-aged, zombie woman with anger management issues. This is every excerpt I have on her throughout my ten-year career as a self-published author.
Here’s an info dump on Diane Newby, the undead mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law’s a zombie. And she has anger-management issues. My mother-in-law, Diane Newby, zombified by accident. She still volunteers at her church bake sales and cooks pot roast for her daughter and son-in-law, Ron Yardley. What ticks her off is when people don’t treat her like a normal human being—with glowing red eyes and super strength and speed. And if she doesn’t get her way, look out. She explodes and leaves broken plaster and body parts in her wake. Nothing stops her: not brick walls, the federal government, or middle-aged spread.
But the world’s most powerful criminal plans to control zombies. His only problem with zombies is that they have way too much free will. He has a solution for that. But will it work with Diane Newby? The world is divided into pro-zombie and anti-zombie factions. Battles break out everywhere. Which side will you take? Who will live and who will die? You might not survive this book. But at least you’ll die laughing.
The galactic black hole began eating another object. The planetoid survived far longer than the average planet or star due to its supernatural density. Forged long ago at an earlier age, the intense radiation from the whirling maelstrom and swirling magnetic fields did not affect it. Not until it spun near the speed of light did the immense tidal forces crack its surface.
Spinning ever faster, each fragment resisted the stupendous forces around the black hole until finally they shattered. Finally this unique element transformed into pure energy. It radiated in all wavelengths of visible light, and beyond, to light never seen before.
The radiation coalesced oddly, through forces unknown to science, into a single beam of energy radiating from the black hole. It swept out like a searchlight from the galactic core and across the light-years—straight toward Earth and its teeming multitudes.
Fortunately, Earth was twenty-five thousand light-years away from this cosmic conflagration. Unfortunately, this happened twenty-five thousand years ago.
Magic arrived on Earth.
Magic Arrives Except – Chapter 1– Tea
Sunday, October 4
I made our pot of tea, English Breakfast. Each morning Jane and I sip the hot beverage in our easy chairs in our living room. We had an early freeze that October, and the chill air gripped the house. We turned the heat down at night and up when we get out of bed. Our elderly Victorian home had an old furnace, and it took over an hour to warm the house.
But tea made everything better. I heard Jane settle into her easy chair. I could tell by the squeak when she rocked back.
In the kitchen, I poured a mug for each of us and added milk. “Jane, are you ready for your tea?”
“You bet,” Jane called. “And can you grab a biscotti for me too?”
“Sure thing. A biscotti sounds good to me too.”
I grabbed two biscotti out of our cupboard and took them and her tea mug to the living room, which stretched an echoing thirty feet. But our two leather easy chairs flanked the crackling fireplace, which Jane had started.
Jane smiled at me as I placed the mug and biscotti on her side table. I took a moment to take in the sincere love shining in her hazel eyes. I barely saw any gray in her blond hair. Forty years of marriage had not diminished our love. I took my biscotti and plunked next to her, enjoying the warmth from the fireplace.
“Thanks,” she said.
“You’re welcome. Thanks for starting the fire. I love not having to rush off to work in the morning, since I retired.” I’d worked as a programmer, trainer, and documenter in my career.
“Me too.”
Chapter 1– Tea – continued
Jane had been an office manager at a construction firm.
I opened my biscotti, took a crunchy bite coated with chocolate, and reached for my mug. It wasn’t there.
“Grrr!” I wrinkled my face like a gargoyle.
“What’s wrong?”
“I left my mug in the kitchen. I hate it when I do that.”
“Wouldn’t it be nice if it’d come when you call it?”
I laughed. “On little legs. I’d just say, ‘Come here, tea mug!’”
We laughed. We laugh together nearly every day. I rose and then stopped. I heard an odd tap-tapping. Almost like our little corgi but even smaller and lighter.
“What’s that? Is that a mouse?” We had mice in our house every fall until we trapped them.
“It doesn’t sound like one.”
From the dining room came my tea mug on four little legs, scampering across the floor. I reached down to pick it up, and it jumped into my hands. The legs disappeared.
“That’s different,” I said,
“Uh, that’s never happened before, not to us or anyone else I’ve ever heard of.”
“It’s like my wish for the tea mug got granted.”
“Exactly.”
“That’s convenient.” I sipped my tea. “That’s good tea.”
“Did you rub any magic lamps?”
“No. “
“Did you throw a coin in a wishing well?”
“No. I wonder if we can make any other wishes?” I sipped my tea. “Mmm.”
“Mmm,” Jane agreed as she took another sip.
The tea mug purred, “Mmm.”
Magic Arrives Excerpt – Chapter 2 – Pinky
Sunday, October 4
ARC Copy
I hugged my dragon, Pinkie, as we went outside to play. I’d had him since I was a baby. My mom had bought him for me. Lamar, my older brother, went outside with me. My mom, Shannon, had told Lamar that morning, “Lamar, if Shayla wants to go outside, you go with her. Don’t let her out of your sight. If you see trouble, both of you get out of there.” I knew trouble sometimes happened in our neighborhood.
She’d turned to me. “Shayla, don’t go running off without your brother. You listen to him and do what he says. I’ll be back at five.” Then she’d left for her job at Wal-Store.
Lamar and I walked out on a fine fall day. I watched the robins hop along the ragged grass in an empty lot. We hiked[JS1] to a neighborhood park a few blocks away from our apartment. Lamar pushed me on the swings and then on the merry-go-round.
“Shayla,” he said, “I’m going to play basketball with my friends over there. You stay here till I come back.”
I watched him jog to the court next to the park. “Pinkie, what do you think of that? We gotta play by ourselves. What d’ya wanna do? You want me to push you on the merry-go-round? Okay, I’ll try.”
It wasn’t as hard as it looked. I worked it up to speed and then hopped on next to Pinkie. “I’m almost a big girl now. I can push the merry-go-round all by myself. And I started kindergarten this fall.”
I spun the merry-go-round again and again till I got tired. “You getting hungry, Pinkie? I am. What do you eat? Bugs? Huh. Whatever. Let me get you some.”
Chapter 2 – continued
I knelt on the grass next to the merry-go-round’s sandpit. The smell of the grass filled my nose as I poked around the dirt and found some ants and pill bugs. I put one of each in my hand and gave it to Pinkie.
“Num num! Tastes good, don’t it? D’ya want more? Okay.” I gathered more. Then I heard something like fireworks coming from the basketball court. “What’s that, Pinkie?” I picked up my dragon and ran to the court to check on Lamar.
Some big guys had guns. They were chasing the boys off with lots of yelling. “No little kids here! This court is for men, for our gang!”
Lamar ran in my direction.
More young guys came up. “Hey, what d’ya think you’re doing? This is our turf. Get out of here.” They had guns too.
Someone shot a gun. Then a whole firecracker string of shots rang out. Some guys dropped on both sides. The first group ran into the park, then hid behind the playground equipment and started firing again.
A bullet zipped over my head. “Get down, Pinkie!” I fell on top of him, protecting him. I peeked and saw Lamar running full speed toward me. Then he fell.
“Lamar!” I crawled to him. His blood oozed from his back, warm and sticky. He moaned.
I cried.
The blood spread over Lamar’s shirt like spilled tomato juice. He stopped moaning. I made my own wet spot crying over him. The bullets still zipped above us. I could taste my salty tears. Pinkie squeezed between us.
Magic Arrives Excerpt Chapter 2 – continued
“Oh, Pinkie, I wish you’d gobble up those guys with guns like you did those bugs!” I cried with all my heart to my magic dragon.
Pinkie shook in my hand. He felt like my mom’s cell phone when it buzzed. Then he grew out of my hand. My pink dragon ballooned to dog size, then horse size, then elephant size, then bigger. The shooters turned to my giant stuffed dragon, flapping his pink wings in midair. Both gangs shot at him.
Like a cat jumping on a mouse, Pinkie gobbled up a shooter, then the one next to him. Six more gangbangers disappeared into his huge pink mouth before both gangs turned and ran.
“Yay, Pinkie! You chased away those bad guys!” Then I saw Lamar again, quietly bleeding on the ground.
“Oh, Lamar, get up! You’ve got to take me home!” I lay on his still body, crying into his wet shirt.
* * *
Magic Arrives Excerpt Chapter 2 – continued
I cried myself to sleep. When I woke, Lamar was cold. The shadows were lengthening. Mom would be home soon.
“Lamar!” I sobbed again. A shadow covered me. Pinkie swooped down. The grass flattened under his big pink feet.
“What’s wrong, Shayla?”
“Pinkie, Lamar won’t get up. I-I-I think he’s dead!”
“You’ve got to wake him up, like you did with me.”
“Good idea, Pinkie.” I didn’t notice that Pinkie talked way clearer than he used to. I shook Lamar with all my might. “Lamar, get up! You’ve got to wake up, just like Pinkie. Get better right now!”
“O-o-h,” he groaned. He rolled over and looked at me. “What happened, Shayla? Why is my back all wet?”
“There was a fight between two gangs and y-y-you were shot. You’re bleeding.”
He took off his T-shirt. “Yuck! It’s all bloody.” Something fell to the ground. “What’s this?” He picked it up. “It was in my shirt. It’s a bullet! Why do I feel better? I remember getting shot now.”
“Lamar, I wished you’d get better so we could go home.” I peered at his back. “You’re all bloody, but there’s no hole in it.”
“And the bullet’s out.” He showed me the bullet, bloody and smushed on one side.
Pinkie landed next to us and burped.
Chapter 2 – continued
“What’s that?” Lamar stared at the huge dragon, his eyes bugging out.
“Pinkie, of course. I wished he’d eat up those bad guys with guns, and he did.”
“Let’s go home. Pinkie will have to stay outside. He’s too big to fit in our apartment. He’s too big to fit on the basketball court!”
Lamar was right. Pinkie’s butt and tail filled the basketball court, and he stretched across the grass to us.
“Nah. Pinkie, go back to your regular size.”
“No problem.” Pinkie shrank, and I picked him up.
“Let’s go.”
Lamar closed his mouth and followed me home. I knew the way. I just wanted Lamar for protection.
Magic Arrives Excerpt – More Books After Magic Arrives
Magic Arrives, Magic Wars, and Magic Rules spine art
I’ve got two more books coming in the series: Magic Wars and Magic Rules. I plan to start on Magic Wars this summer!
Here’s some cool spine art, courtesy of my illustrator, Sean Flanagan.
One More Thing . . .
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Bill looked up as a man came in—average height, maybe five-nine, medium build, not fat, not skinny, roundish face, hazel eyes, and brown hair. He would be hard to remember. But Bill had known him all his life.
Sam Melvin, the reporter for Midley Beacon, dropped in for his daily chat. Sam and Bill had been friends since elementary school, and they had both stayed around Midley all their lives. Bill, a short, stocky guy with blondish hair, had gone off to school and become a coroner.
Zombie Detective cover
Sam had stayed in Midley after high school, doing odd jobs, until he got on with the Midley Beacon. As a reporter and blogger for a small-town weekly paper, Sam wasn’t especially busy, and he liked to socialize.
Here’s Sam’s view of Lisa Kambacher ten years after high school, when he was working for her as a reporter for the weekly newspaper, The Midley Beacon.
Lisa Kambacher, fighting zombie turkeys.
“Keep it down,” growled Lisa Kambacher, his boss and the editor of the Midley Beacon, and the only other employee at the small weekly newspaper. “I’m busy editing your crap.”
Sam swiveled his ancient, uncomfortable office chair from his laptop so he faced Lisa. He’d garbage-picked that chair from his neighbor in Midley when he was hired fifteen years ago. Her thin face, framed in brown hair, peered at the computer screen.
Lisa’s dark-brown eyes stared intently at what she was editing. Maybe it was the piece Sam had written about Mrs. Huntington and her award-winning afghans. He hadn’t enjoyed reporting that; he couldn’t imagine she’d like editing it.
After typing up his story and sending it to Lisa for editing, he stared at her.
Because of his good grades, Sam’s high school English teacher had suggested he volunteer for the school paper. He’d gone to the newspaper “office,” a walk-in closet, and had seen a tall, slender girl pounding away on an old IBM PC. She’d looked up sharply, scowled, and said, “What do you want? Do you have a story?”
“Uh, um, I’d like to work for the newspaper.”
“Hmmm. I could use a reporter. Let me test you out. There’s a track meet today after school. Go to it. Get all the winners and losers and their feelings.Our readers care about them.Write it up, and report back to me here by seven p.m.”
“You’ll still be here at that time?” Sam asked incredulously.
“Of course. I’m the editor and head reporter and writer. I’ve got twenty stories to write, and I’ve got to report on the tennis match after school today. I expect you to work just as hard, if you want to stay on.”
“Uh, OK.”
“What’s your name, anyway?”
“Sam Melvin.”
“Sam, I’m Lisa Kambacher. Do what I say, and we’ll get along fine. Cross me, and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life!”
P.S. I give away free books for any comments on the excerpt. Just click here.
Chapter 3 – Turkeys
Sam Melvin, dealing with Zombie Turkeys
“Me too. Now that’s over, let’s talk business. About Maryland.”
“What’s going on, Lisa?”
“After the zombie turkey apocalypse, they kept a flock of wild zombie turkeys for hunters. Maryland’s gotten great tourist trade from that. The recent bad weather on the East Coast has kept the hunters down, and the turkeys are out of control. They’re hunting people in the suburbs of Hagerstown.”
“What can I do about that? That’s a problem for the National Guard. I’m a lover, not a fighter.”
“Yes, I know. The governor, Mary Landis, called me begging for your help. They can’t find the turkeys. I promised her that you’ve got a nose for zombie turkeys and you’ll find their hideouts in no time flat. They’re paying you two thousand per day for this, so don’t screw up. I’ve booked an evening flight to Hagerstown from the Peoria airport at six p.m. That gives you an hour to get there. Starting now.”
The captain put up a map on the wall-sized video screen. It was dotted with little black symbols and bigger red ones. Looking closely, Sam saw they were miniature turkeys.
“The small black symbols are where we’ve found turkeys. The large red ones are where we fought them. The battles are all on the west side of Hagerstown. And so are all the turkeys we’ve found in the woods.”
Sam walked to the screen and peered closely at the symbols. “Hmmm. Look at the turkey attacks, Captain. Do you see the pattern?”
“It’s kind of a semicircular tangent to Hagerstown. What does that mean?”
“See this attack near Cearfoss Pike? Then this one on Fairview Road? Look how they follow the Conococheague Creek. All these attacks in Fairview Acres—it’s surrounded by a big loop of the creek.”
“So they’re following the creek.”
“Yes. Even zombie turkeys need water. And I’m sure there are lots of trees and brush around it.”
“So much so we haven’t bothered investigating the banks.”
After killing hundreds of hibernating turkeys later, they got a comm: “All units proceed to MD-40. Major turkey attack underway in Cearfoss, Maryland.”
“Crap. That’s past their previous attack in Fairview Acres. They’re getting closer to Hagerstown,” Jeff said.
Sam gunned the engine, and they mushed uphill to the access road where the MRAP awaited them. Jimmy trotted behind them. Another MRAP picked up Amy.
Sam drove a quarter-mile into the woods, when the first zombie turkey flew into his face, spurs first. They scratched the tough Plexiglas on his helmet.
“Gobble! Gobble!”
Sam speared the bird on his twelve-inch knife and continued to plow toward the MRAP. Hundreds of turkeys descended from the trees. Sam ran over some, pounding them into the snow. Jeff shot them with his M4 carbine. Sam again gunned the engine as he hit level ground. The flock followed them, pecking at their backs, as they hunkered down on the eight-wheeled vehicle.
Three Free Zombie Detective Excerpts – Part 4
Zombie Turkeys fly to escape to Zombie Turkey hunters
Sam had often thought zombie turkey victims looked like they had been assaulted by hundreds of pickaxes. Now he felt their beaks cut through his parka, slowly bleeding him to death. The cold air congealed his blood quickly. Next to him, Jeff had fixed a bayonet on his M4 carbine and sliced wildly, beating off the turkeys.
He saw the MRAP ahead and sped toward it. The flamethrower shot liquid flame over his head. He felt the heat on his exposed bloody skin.
Weak and faint from blood loss, Sam parked next to the MRAP as the flames shot out overhead. Jeff jumped out and opened the rear of the vehicle. Sam fell off into the soft snow between the vehicles. His last sight before losing consciousness was a huge tom turkey stalking toward him.
“Gobble! Gobble!”
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Andy Zach
Three Free Zombie Detective Excerpts – Meet Author Andy Zach
