Zombie Heroes Hired by the President – What is Paranormal Privateers All About?It’s one of my favorite books. It’s my most complex and surprising. So what is it about and why do I like it? I give you a free sample below. It’s in a unique humorous zombie hero genre.
Diane Newby, in her natural environment.
But let’s start at the beginning: My Undead Mother-in-law,introduces the Newbys, a zombie family. The son, Don Newby, shows up in Zombie Turkeys. The family, led by the matriarchal undead mother-in-law Diane Newby, fights for zombie rights and any criminals that cross their paths. It helps that my zombies regenerate from injuries and get stronger each time.
By the end of the book, they’re Zombie Heroes!
This leads to Paranormal Privateers where the President has given them a letter of marquis to fight as privateers on behalf of the United States. They’re given assignments that are too dangerous or sensitive for the US to intervene directly. Like Somalian pirates.
A heavy tread down the stairs announced George Newby. His eyes shone red too, but while Diane was built like a middle-aged woman, George was a classic wide-body. His shoulders filled the stairway. You’d think he was a truck driver or a lineman rather than an accountant.
“Hi, Karen. Hi, Ron,” he rumbled. He hugged his daughter, as if he held a baby bird, and shook my hand without hurting me in his bratwurst fingers. His bright red eyes looked squarely into mine.
“Sharon Windham – tall blonde bodyguard from England. “Her eyes shone bright red under a broad brow, with blonde eyelashes and a square chin. She could be a marble idol from a Greek temple. A zombie goddess”–from Paranormal Privateers
She was a former crime lord bodyguard who switched alliegiance to Diane Newby. Former Crossfit athlete, model, and competitive swimmer.. She deamt of becoming a UN translator. She speaks 11 languages: English, French, German, Norwegian, Swedish, Danish, Chinese, Korean, Arabic, Hebrew, Greek, and Russian. Trained in katana, nunchuks, and naginata.
Darkly beautiful bodyguard from Acapulco Mexico. 5′ 4″ Former cliff diver and rock climber. Former crime lord bodyguard, now protecting Diane Newby. Former MMA fighter and bodybuilder. Trained in katana, nunchuks, and naginata.
I examined my cell methodically. A drainpipe, two inches in diameter. A toilet. A hard bed. A steel door with hinges on the outside. I’d probably need to escape from somewhere other than this cell. Once they established a routine with my interrogation, I’d look for escape routes.
I chuckled to myself. Synthia Smith was my true name, in the sense it matched my birth certificate and other current identification. Before Synthia Smith, I was Rachel Rathbone, and before that Quinella Quincy, and so on, through the alphabet. My earliest memory was a toddler named Betty Botter. I had to be cute and pick pockets. Who knew what my original name was? Changing identities was a standard procedure for me with each new assignment.
This had been my most challenging operation, and I’d almost pulled it off. Those damn zombies! Had I blown up Harrods, the demands for billions in exchange for each national landmark’s safety would have been credible.
They had no idea of the bigger picture—and they wouldn’t get it. My terrorist cover story was completely true, but neither the terrorists nor Scotland Yard knew they were merely a means to an end. It was the truth: total subjugation of the United Kingdom was a reasonable goal for one like me, a child of the world’s greatest criminal.
I knew more about Papa Smith, my ostensible grandfather, than any of my siblings. I think I actually touched his feelings as a loving granddaughter, and I think he shared more with me than with any of his other crime-lord grandchildren. Of course, he might be manipulating me, just as I tried to manipulate him. That was the most reasonable assumption, especially if we were actually related.
What Is Paranormal Privateers All About? – Synthia Smith, Part 2
Regardless, I felt fond of him. When I overthrew him and took over his crime empire, I thought I’d keep him alive. I enjoyed our talks via our secured video line. When he’d shared Sid Boffin’s failure with me, I clapped in delight as he praised me for staying in touch with him. I think that was genuine emotion and not an act. It was hard to tell sometimes.
A motion on the floor caught my eye as I sat on the bed. A cockroach crawled up the drain and onto the floor. Surprising. Usually, Britain kept their prisons pest free. Then another. Then a dozen more. And then, hundreds.
This was not normal cockroach behavior. They did not come into the light in hordes. I sat cross-legged on the bed and watched the swarm with fascination. They climbed the door, walked its steel perimeter, and went back down the drain as others came up.
Curious, I nabbed one using my lightning reflexes. Examining it, I saw a metal dot under its thorax and a narrow tube attached to its abdomen. A pungent, acidic smell came from the tube. I looked back to the door. The acid ate a narrow trench in the door’s perimeter, right where the cockroaches still marched. Near the ceiling light, I saw mist curl away from the door.
Zombie Heroes vs Synthia Smith, Part 3
Modified and controlled cockroaches—like Sid Boffin’s cyborg-controlled animals. I’d read his Ph.D. paper as well as the Midley Beacon‘s declassified reports on his battles with the zombies. Since Sid was dead at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, this could only be one of my siblings or Papa Smith trying to rescue me.
Using my perfect memory of the twists and turns when they’d led me here hooded, counting my steps, and remembering the doors, I was confident I could retrace the route.
The last of the cockroaches marched around the door, leaving its trail of acid. They etched the door perhaps a centimeter deep. Couldn’t be much left.
I knocked on the door. Yes, it felt like a centimeter thick, and it echoed like it was almost cut through. Then someone knocked back, much harder.
“I’m here!” I called. I assumed this was my rescuer.
“Step back,” grated a curious, tinny voice, like it was coming through a small radio.
I stepped away.
CLUMP! CLUMP! Two metallic thunks hit the other side of the door. Then, SKREERK! The door tore off like the lid of a tin of meat.
I didn’t expect what I saw. A male silverback gorilla filled the doorway and the whole hallway beyond. Thick armor covered his body. Casually, he placed the door scrap against the hall.
This series was too easy to binge, I could not stop listening to the audible audiobooks once I started! This author is brilliant, the narrator(s) in all of the Life After Life chronicles books are wonderful, and the storyline was hilarious. At times I shook my head in disbelief and just cracked up at the ridiculousness surrounding this zombie story. My son is 12 and he listened with me at times and enjoyed the humor and different zombie stories as well!
The cover of my third novel Paranormal Privateers. Click to get yours.
Any newsletter subscriber gets free audiobook codes–as long as they last. Click here to get yours.Don’t wait until they’re gone!
Do you want an autographed book? I’ll mail it directly to you with free shipping and I pay the taxes! Click here to get yours. My shipping may not be the same day, but at least it’s free–for you.
But why? Barbara Beyer was my mother-in-law. (She passed in 2020 at 88). She lived in our home while I wrote My Undead Mother-in-law in 2016 and 2017. Here’s the dedication page:
Fun zombie read! I love paranormal and supernatural books so I was intrigued to read this series. I’ve listened to it on audible and the narrators are really fun and easy to listen to, I feel like they’re talking to actual people rather than reading a story. The storyline is funny and it has just gotten better with each book in the series.
Great story. Really hilarious in a ridiculous way and I don’t mean that in a negative way. I love this story! Amazing author and an amazingly well done performance.
My Undead Mother-in-law Excerpt
My Undead Mother-in-law back cover
Sam arrived at the Deviled Turkeys farm in the dark winter evening. Sam could see the National Guard trucks and a couple of police cars along the snowy drive to the barnyard. They had distracted the flock of perhaps a thousand turkeys from attacking the house and were now barely holding their own position.
Sam heard the BANG of shotguns, and the pop, pop of rifles and pistols. Why did the police waste their time and ammunition? Those weapons proved ineffective against the zombie turkeys last November.
Grabbing his trusty Flaming Turkey brand flamethrower from the backseat, he approached the line of soldiers.
“Stay away, mister!” an officer yelled over the crackle of gunfire. Sam noticed he had a skinny neck and a shock of red hair.
“You should have a flamethrower!” Sam yelled back.
“We do! We can’t use them this close to the buildings. There’s a family in there!”
Good thing Lisa isn’t here, Sam thought. During the zombie turkey apocalypse, she’d flamed first and asked questions later.
Another car pulled up in the drive. The officer yelled, “Get away, ma’am! This is a dangerous situation!”
“I’ve come to reason with the turkeys,” Diane Newby yelled back, her red eyes gleaming.
“You can’t reason with crazed killer turkeys!”
“You watch me!” She leapt past the officer, past the line of soldiers, directly toward the mass of turkeys. The soldiers ceased firing, for fear of hitting her. The mass of turkeys washed over Diane like a tsunami. Sam reluctantly filmed her last moments, for her family’s sake.
The mound of turkeys burst apart, revealing Diane throttling a tom. She ripped off its head, legs, wings and then smashed the body into paste on the ground.
“Listen up, you turkeys!” she yelled. “I’m the boss turkey now! Follow me!” Obediently, the turkeys followed her into the barn. She led them back into their cages and shut them in. Where the turkeys had burst doors and wire fencing, using her bare hands Diane wove the tough steel wire into a tight net, holding them securely. “Good thing I’m handy with macramé,” she said to herself as she wove.
Diane’s clothing was shredded and bloody like she’d been through a wood chipper, but her skin showed pink and unbroken through the many holes in her pants and coat. Sam ran to her.
“Are you OK, Diane?”
“Never felt better! I told you I could reason with the zombie turkeys!”
“How did you find out?”
“It was on the zombie turkey Twitter feed on the Midley Beacon page, where I was reading your story about us!”
If you like these kinds of excerpts, subscribe here, if you haven’t already. As a bonus for signing up for my newsletter, you’ll be able to get codes for free audiobooks. Get yours today!
First, Secret Supers is free on July 7th and 8th. Grab it here: CLICKITY CLICK!
Next, you can get an autographed book directly from me. Click here now!I give you FREE SHIPPING!
But that’s not all. Your third surprise follows.
Your Third Secret Supers Fourth of July Surprise – A New Excerpt
Enjoy this excerpt where Jeremy and his friends go to rescue their friend’s family from a burning house.
Chapter 9 Car Wash Icon
The Secret Supers arrived at the gas station. The parking lot was set up for a car wash with buckets of soap and a power washer. The day was sunny, but cool, good football weather, not for car washing. Amazingly, Darla and her friends wore their cheerleading uniforms, with short skirts and bare arms and legs. “Wow, Darla, aren’t you guys cold?” asked Aubrey. “A little. Once we get cheering we’ll warm right up. That’ll help attract customers.” Kayla pushed her tablet at Aubrey. I have to keep hiding my powers. Aubrey read aloud, “The nylons help keep cheerleaders warm.” “That’s right. Kayla was a cheerleader before her illness,” Darla said. She looked at Kayla and said, “I’m glad to see you’re walking better.” “Thank you,” came from Kayla’s tablet. She doesn’t know Jeremy’s helping me.When he goes to sleep, I get wobbly again. But that is the first time she’s talked to me since I got meningitis. Maybe she is changing. Kayla thoughtcast.
Fourth of July Surprise, A New Excerpt, Part 2
Kayla Verdera of the Secret Supers
“How are you going to wash the car in your cheerleading uniforms? Won’t that wreck them?” “Oh no, we won’t wash the cars. We’re just advertising. The other volunteers will do that.” “I don’t see anyone else here, but us.” “My brother Rich is coming with some of his football buddies. Oh, here’s our first customer.” The girls cheered and did some routines while the Secret Supers washed the car. Jeremy used an electric scrubber from his wheelchair. Kayla used the power washer, while Dan and Aubrey soaped up the car. Rich and his friends arrived. “Great!” yelled Darla. “Now we can do two cars at once. Let’s get a production line going. Here come some more cars. Keep cheering girls.” “This isn’t so bad,” Dan said. “Nah. Just putting on soapy water isn’t a problem. I’m glad I can walk now,” said Aubrey.
A New Excerpt, Part 3
Aubrey Wilcosky
Rich called to them, “I’m surprised you guys came.” “It seems the least we can do. You guys were nice enough to come to our magic show,” said Aubrey. “That was really good. I think I got the card trick figured out, but not the levitation stuff.” “Keep thinking. It’s a good practice.” “Oh no,” Dan yelled. “What’s the matter, Dan?” Jeremy asked. “My parents’ house is on fire!” “Did you get a text or something?” asked Darla. “Uh, yeah.” “Sorry to leave you in the lurch, Darla, but we’ve got to go and help,” said Aubrey. “What can you do?” “More than you think.” “I’ve already called my car,” said Jeremy. “Your car? You’re not old enough to drive,” said Darla.
Excerpt Part 4
Dan Elanga
“I made a flying car. I can summon it here. See, there it is.” Darla’s, the cheerleaders’, Rich’s, and the football players’ mouths dropped open as Jeremy’s car came flying down the street, as fast as any other car. Jeremy and Dan had modified it so it had a rumble seat in the back for Kayla and two running boards with grips and safety lines like a fire truck, for Dan and Aubrey to stand. “That is SO COOL,” screamed Darla. The Secret Supers climbed into the car. Jeremy transferred carefully from his wheelchair to the driver’s seat, not using his telekinesis. “We’ll come back if we can. Watch my electric wheelchair,” said Jeremy as they zoomed off. “Wow, Jeremy! You’re really going fast,” said Aubrey over the rushing wind “I told you I was getting stronger. I think we’ll have to modify this again for full seats for you and Dan.” “Hurry,” said Dan. “They’re trapped in the basement!”
Excerpt, Part 5
Jeremy Gentle
“Okay, let me open her up.” The car sped up, and they began passing other cars on the road. “Fifty-five, sixty miles an hour! That seems to be my limit, now. Hey, did someone call the fire department?” “I did before we started,” said Dan. “Oh hurry! The smoke is getting thick! They’re lying on the basement floor with wet clothes over their faces!” A line of cars at a red light blocked them. “Hold on! Kayla shields up!” Shields up, Captain Jeremy! The car faded into invisibility. “No one saw that,” said Dan, holding on for dear life as they soared over the cars and traffic lights. “Please hurry! My little sister is coughing on the smoke.” “I guess we can dispense with the roads. My GPS says if we take a twenty-degree turn—” “Look out for the high-tension wires,” screamed Aubrey. Six high-voltage wires blocked their path, less than twenty feet away. “Hold on,” yelled Jeremy. The car dropped like an elevator with its cable cut. The Secret Supers ducked, and the wires passed where their heads had been a moment before. They could feel the hairs on their heads lift up from the intense voltage a foot away. “Look out, a tree,” shouted Aubrey. The car swerved around and over an oak tree blocking their path. The Elanga’s house blazed ahead, a pillar of fire and smoke rooted in the disintegrating house. Swooping down, Jeremy brought the car to a skidding halt in front of the house. A wave of heat burned their faces. Acrid smoke assailed their noses. In the distance, fire engine sirens blared. Oh no! Dan, are we too late? “No, they’re still alive in the basement.
Reviewed in the United States on December 11, 2023
Verified Purchase
It is a captivating tale that defies conventional superhero narratives. The author, with keen insight, weaves a story around four friends who turn their disabilities into extraordinary strengths. The seamless integration of disability and superpowers challenges societal norms, making the story not just entertaining but also thought-provoking. The author skillfully balances action, emotion, and humor, creating a narrative that engages readers of all ages. The message of resilience, unity, and embracing differences resonates throughout the book. This book is a delightful read that not only entertains but also prompts reflection on the true meaning of strength and heroism.
Your Final Fourth of July Surprise
First, you can get free audiobooks by clicking here. CLICK HERE. This includes Secret Supers in Space.
