My Undead Mother-in-law Free Chapter 1 for You. – Happy 12th day of Advent! Enjoy chapter 1 of my book My Undead Mother-in-law. Merry Christmas to all!
P.S. I give away free books for any reviews on this book. Just click here and send me a link to your review.
Chapter 1 – Gary
“You know I love your mother. But your mother’s a zombie. Who wants to see one zombie, let alone four of them?”
“Now that’s not fair. Mom and Dad have adjusted to their zombiism very well. Mom still volunteers at church and bakes cookies and pies for the bake sales. Dad still works as an accountant at GM. There’s nothing to worry about!”
“That covers Diane and George. I know them. I guess I’m ready for them. What about your brother and this new girlfriend of his? I don’t think Don has said two whole sentences to me since I’ve known him!”
“He’d never get a word in edgewise with you, Ron. You said it yourself—you’ve had diarrhea of the mouth since you were born. He and his friend Maggie will be fine.”
“Whatever you say, Karen.” I knew when to surrender. I focused my eyes on the Indiana turnpike ahead.
“Hmmph!”
I glanced at Karen while I drove. Her arms were crossed under her breasts, and she looked out the window, away from me. Trying to make peace, I said, “I thought we dodged a bullet when the zombie turkey plague just missed Gary, Indiana[A1] . I never dreamt this zombie thing would hit our own family.” I kept my tone neutral
“So far it hasn’t hit us hard. Life goes on as usual.”
Great! At least she was still talking to me. “As great as it can with glowing red eyes,” I said with a big grin.
“Maybe. I hadn’t really thought about how hard life would be like that.”
“I have no clue what that’d be like.”
“Clueless from Toledo!”
“Clueless going to Gary.” We laughed. “Remember our rehearsal dinner?” I said.
My Undead Mother-in-law Free Chapter – Part 2
“Sure. That was six years ago. Hard to believe.”
“Your Mom and I got along fine there. We dominated the conversation, as I recall. I hardly noticed the rest of your family. I do remember your dad impressing me with his analytical mind. Did Don even talk? He’s like a mute bivalve.”
“Yes, a little, to me.”
“Well, I don’t remember anything. ‘I only had eyes for you,'” I warbled.
“Ha! Good thing I didn’t hear you sing before I said ‘I do.'”
“I’m sure you did.”
“I’m sure I wouldn’t notice. I was too amazed I got to marry the Big Man on Campus, college graduate, and internet marketer, Ron Yardley.”
“So why did a beautiful girl like you marry a guy like me?”
“I still don’t think I’m beautiful, just average. You’re the good-looking one!”
“Thank you, but you’re wrong. You’re the good-looking one. I’m just average.”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree.”
We settled into a companionable silence for ten miles or so. Then I said, “I know why I’m so reluctant to meet your family now that they’re zombies.”
“Why?”
“I did some marketing for the Midley Beacon during the turkey apocalypse last Thanksgiving and then later for author Andy Zach’s book about it, Zombie Turkeys. There were too many lot of bloody photos and videos, and I read too many gory details. I never liked the idea of pretend zombies, let alone real-life ones. I was just glad we missed it in Toledo. Now I’m in the middle of it.”
“Now, Ron, visiting my family, even if they’re zombies, doesn’t put you in the middle of another zombie apocalypse.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” That was the ultimate solution to any marital disagreement, I’d found. “What’s Don’s girlfriend’s name again?”
Part 3
“Maggie, Maggie Unsicker. Mom said they were going to announce their engagement this weekend, for Valentine’s Day. That’s why we’re going. Remember?”
“Of course. I wonder why so few people have turned zombie? First there were zombie squirrels, then zombie rabbits, then zombie cows, and finally, a dozen people or so turned zombie.”
“None of those zombies were really numerous like the turkeys were.”
“Thank God for that! What does Maggie do anyway? Besides play video games like Don, I mean.”
“Maggie’s a phlebotomist and a lab technician at Methodist Hospital in Gary.”
“A what?”
“Phlebotomist. She takes blood samples from people and then runs lab tests on them.”
As we pulled up in Karen’s parents’ drive, I was reassured by the sheer normality of their three-bedroom suburban home: green yard partially covered with snow, evergreen bushes, two-car garage. There was no sign zombies lived there. Of course, what sign could I expect? A skull and crossbones and Beware of Zombies? Perhaps a biohazard sign?
Diane greeted us at the door. “Hello, my love!” She hugged Karen.
Karen barely flinched as she looked into her mother’s bright-red eyes. But she grunted “Ugh!” at the force of her embrace.
“Ease up, Mom.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“Hello, Mom,” I said as I hugged her as hard I as could.
She hugged me back twice as hard.
“Ugh,” I grunted too.
Diane still had blond-highlighted brown hair, as she did when I first met her. She’d gained a pound or two though. She smelled of the body talc White Linen. I recognized it because Karen and I bought it for her birthday last year, pre-zombie. And she still wore her cat-eye reading glasses on a chain around her neck.
My Undead Mother-in-law Free Chapter – Part 4
Diane seated us on the living room sofa. “Supper’s on. I have a nice pot roast for us tonight. Donnie and Maggie should be here soon. George!” she called. “The kids are here!”
A heavy tread down the stairs announced George Newby. His eyes shone red too, but while Diane was built like a middle-aged woman, George was a classic wide-body. His shoulders filled the stairway. You’d think he was a truck driver or a lineman rather than an accountant.
“Hi, Karen. Hi, Ron,” he rumbled. He hugged his daughter, as if he held a baby bird, and shook my hand without hurting me in his bratwurst fingers. His bright-red eyes looked squarely into mine.
“I’m so glad you made the trip. You can help us put to rest the ugly rumors that people with zombiism aren’t human. It’s just a disease. It’s not even harmful,” Diane enthused as she sat across from us. George sat next to her in a brown leather recliner.
“Mom, we love you. You don’t have to convince us,” I said.
“Of course not. I know that. It’s just that we’ve had people talking behind our backs at church and the public health officials trying to pressure us to get the treatment to eliminate the disease.”
“Don’t you want to get rid of it? I think the antibiotics for it are safe and effective[A2] .”
“You’d think so, but we actually have never felt better in our lives! I have more energy than ever, and so does George—right, George?”
“Yup.”
“My arthritic aches and pains have completely disappeared, and George’s old football knee injury is all better too.”
Looking out the window, George said, “Don and Maggie just pulled up.”
Part 5
Entering the room, Don looked like a smaller version of his dad, with the same squat build. Maggie was also short and plump and attractive in a round sort of way.
I’m glad Karen got all the good-looking genes in the family, I thought.
We sat down to dinner. Diane made the delicious pot roast with caramelized onions and mushrooms, mixed with carrots and potatoes. Seeing four pairs of shining red eyes around the table twisted my stomach around the pot roast. I wrestled my stomach into submission and tried not to think about it.
For dessert, we had a New York–style cheesecake decorated with a big heart and Be My Valentine on the top. It looked yummy, but that didn’t make me feel any better about the zombie apocalypse dinner.
“We have the two old sweethearts, me and George; the recent sweethearts, Karen and Ron; and the new sweethearts, Don and Maggie!” Diane announced enthusiastically. She divided the cake into six equal sections.
“Oh, that’s too much for me!” Karen exclaimed.
“OK, how about half?”
“That’s fine.”
Everyone else ate a big portion of cake. Diane noticed me watching her eat and said, “Our appetite has really picked up recently. We’re eating more but not gaining weight.”
“That alone gives us reason to stay zombie.” Don spoke for the first time. Becoming a powerful zombie really brought Don out of his shell. I didn’t expect him to speak at all.
“Yes, we were talking about people pressuring us to get treatment before you came.”
“Over my dead body!” Don said fiercely and then laughed at the irony.
“That’d actually be pretty hard to do,” Maggie said with a smile.
Zombie jokes arose spontaneously around the Newby’s dinner table.
My Undead Mother-in-law Free – Part 6
“And now, you two, don’t you have an announcement?” Diane gazed at Don and Maggie expectantly.
Maggie looked at Don, raising her eyebrows in question. Or maybe she meant, She’s your mother.
“What did you have in mind, Mom?” Don asked with a frown.
“Didn’t you say you’d get engaged this weekend?”
“Yeah, we talked about it, but we don’t see the point. We’re happy living together.”
“You told me you’d propose to Maggie this weekend!” Diane’s outrage crept into her voice.
“Yeah, but I changed my mind.”
“You promised!”Diane stood and yelled, “Don’t lie to your mother!”
“We’re adults.” Don stood too. “We’re allowed to change our minds. And don’t yell at me like a little kid.” Don glared at his mother.
“You’re adults, but you can’t live in adultery. If you ever want to stay in our house, you have to get married!”
“We don’t have to do anything! Let’s go, Maggie.” Don reached to take Maggie’s hand, but Diane rushed to him and grabbed his other hand.
“No, you don’t! You won’t leave until we settle this and you agree to get married!”
“Don’t be silly, Mom. You can’t stop me.” He tried to push her away, but she clung burrlike to his arm.
“Don’t make me angry!” she threatened.
Finally, with a convulsive fling, he pushed her across the room. The wallboard dented where she hit. Don looked startled by his own action.
George suddenly stood up, like a mountain rising from the sea. The chair shot out behind him, hitting the section of the dining room wall near the living room and cracking it.
“Don—” he began, firm as a stone.
My Undead Mother-in-law Free Chapter – Part 8
“So you want to be rough, do you?” Diane’s soft tone was far more chilling than her yelling. Every eye, red and otherwise, focused on her. Diane’s eyes narrowed.
George stopped, waiting.
“You asked for it. You’re not hurt anyway,” Don said. He sounded nervous
“You’re not too young to be spanked by your old mom!” Diane yelled and leapt [A3] across the room with a single bound and grabbed Don’s arm, the one he had pushed her with. With a bone-grinding wrench, she tore it out of its socket. Bright arterial blood jetted across the room. Using the arm as a club, she beat Don in the head with his own arm.
“You!” Thunk! The arm hit his ear.
“Will!” Crack! Don’s nose broke.
“Propose!” Splat! The skin split around the bicep of the severed arm.
“You!” Whap! The bloody bicep hit his cheek.
“Will!” Squish! The bicep splashed off his head as it burst under the force of the blow.
“Get!” Ploop! Don’s eye popped out as the humerus bone of his arm hit his face.
“Married!” Whack! His cheek split open.
“Before!” Bang! His arm bone sliced his scalp open
“You!” Shatter! Don’s teeth broke as his own elbow hit him in the mouth.
“Leave!” Crunch! Don’s throat collapsed.
“Here!” Crack! Another blow broke Don’s skull.
“Tonight!” Diane held the bloody arm threateningly, but Don lay supine on the floor.
Part 9
“I’m glad that’s settled.” Diane sniffed. “Look at this mess! Let’s all pitch in and clean it up while Don grows a new arm.” Diane tossed the old arm into the kitchen trash. “The mops and rags are in the kitchen, Maggie, Ron, Karen.” No one argued.
I began breathing again as I wiped my face clean of splattered blood. It felt good to do something. After dumping Spic-n-Span into the bucket, I mopped the laminate floor. I saw Don’s arm socket had already skinned over and a new hand budded from it. As I scrubbed the blood from the floor, I watched from the corner of my eye with morbid fascination as his wrist slowly lengthened to a full-sized arm. My stomach wanted to eject my meal, but my brain felt too numb to react.
Looking up from my red-stained mop, I saw the others had cleared the table and cleaned the spots of blood from the furniture and walls using baby wipes from boxes conveniently placed in the room. George was busy spackling the wall cracks.
Diane again noticed my gaze. “Since we’ve become zombies, we’re always breaking things,” she commented. “We aren’t fully used to our new strength. I think we should buy stock in the spackling company.” She chuckled.
Looking down at her bosom, she said, “Oh my! Look at my reading glasses!” They were cracked and bloody. “That’s the second pair I’ve broken.”
“Maggie, I guess we’d better get married,” Don said as he stood, rubbing his newly grown arm. All his other injuries had vanished. He didn’t sound assertive anymore.
“It seems to be really important to your mom,” Maggie said. She made the sentence sound like an “Amen” from a tent revival.
Part 10
“I’m glad that’s settled!” Diane said with a big grin. “When will it be?”
“The justice of the peace is open on Monday,” George said.
“We’ll be there,” Don said. “I’ll have to take time off work.”
“Me too,” Maggie said.
“We’ll be there too. Our family needs to be together for these important life events. How about you?” Diane asked us.
“We need to work—” I began.
“But I’m sure we can take the time off!” Karen interrupted me.
I didn’t mind.
“Wonderful! How appropriate for Valentine’s weekend!”
Somehow, we survived the rest of that evening without further incident. Later I talked with Karen as we got ready for bed downstairs, in Donald’s old room.
“So that’s a normal zombie family?”
“This never happened before! And I haven’t heard about any other human zombies having a fight like that.”
“Yeah, but that’s my mother-in-law who went berserk. Just being around them scares me.”
“She’s always had a temper, but she’s never been that violent.”
“I wonder if the zombiism causes increased violence in people? It certainly does for turkeys and squirrels. Did you read the story about the zombie squirrel killing a hawk?”
“No! What happened?”
“The hawk nabbed the squirrel, as hawks normally do, but in midair, the squirrel revived, ripped open the hawk’s belly, bit off its leg, and fell a hundred feet to the ground, where it scampered away unharmed. It was captured on drone video.”
“Oh! I begin to understand the countries that restrict US immigration and travel unless they’ve taken the anti-zombie antibiotic.”
“Well, we’re on the cutting edge of societal evolution. I don’t know where this zombie condition will go, but I can see it making big changes.”
Part 11 – My Undead Mother-in-law Free Chapter
“That’s why it only exists in the US. No other nation would allow it. Here, people have freedom to be zombies.”
“Even so, some are arguing the government should force people to be treated for it.”
“What do you think, Ron? Should my parents, and Don and Maggie, be forced to be cured of it?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I’m still kind of shell shocked. Would you mind if I blogged for a while before I go to bed? That always helps me settle down and process the day’s events.”
“Of course. I know that. Good night!” We kissed.
I kept a daily blog, usually about my job and internet marketing, but also covering personal items. I wrote up the evening’s events, but I disguised the zombie family. The post was entitled, “My Dinner with a Zombie Family.” I didn’t know how people would spin it, as pro- or anti-zombie. I just knew I felt better after I finished. Finally, I relaxed and went to sleep.
* * *
The next morning Sam Melvin, investigative reporter for the print and e-newspaper the Midley Beacon, scanned through his daily internet search on “zombie turkeys,” “zombie squirrels,” “zombie rabbits,” “zombie cows,” and “zombie humans.” The blog post on a dinner with a zombie family startled him. He knew very few humans turned zombie; of those few, most took the zombie bacteria antibiotic. Almost no news at all surfaced about the few who chose to remain a zombie. He smelled a story.
Part 12 – My Undead Mother-in-law Free Chapter
“Lisa! How would you like a story on zombie humans?” Sam called to Lisa from his office to hers. Since the Midley Beacon‘s revenue had exploded through its reporting on the zombie turkey plague, they had expanded their downtown (one street) Midley office from one room to four: an office for him and Lisa (hers was bigger), a reception area for visitors, and an open area for Midley Beacon reporters.
“Don’t yell from your office!” Lisa yelled from her office. “Zombie humans? Of course, cretin! That would be worth millions of hits. You know perfectly well we’re barely scraping by at the Midley Beacon. We can’t live on zombie squirrel stories forever. Zombie humans would be ideal. But there hasn’t been any new news on them!” Lisa paused in her reflexive insulting and asked, “What d’ya got?”
“I have a blog post on a dinner with a zombie family.”
“Doesn’t sound too interesting, unless they’re eating people.”
“Nope, pot roast. However, a fight broke out between two zombies, a mother and a son.”
“Promising! Who won?”
“The mom. She tore off her son’s arm and beat him with it.”
“Ouch! I assume it grew back?”
“Yes. I think I should visit this blogger and find out about this family.”
“Of course you should! Repost the blog story and tell our readers you’ll be investigating it today. Where’s the blogger live?”
“He lives in Toledo, but he’s traveling. He didn’t say where. I think he’s hiding something, probably the identity of the family.”
“Double-plus good! Get on his good side, and get in contact with the family. Offer to pay him for hits on the blog post from the Midley site.”
Part 13 – My Undead Mother-in-law Free
“I’m on it!” Sam emailed Ronald Yardley and then did a search for his cell phone number. Quickly finding it, he called him.
“Hello, this is Sam Melvin of the Midley Beacon. Is this Ronald Yardley?”
“Yes. Call me Ron. Why are you calling?”
“I read your blog post this morning and found it very newsworthy. We’d like to pay you to post it on our website. We’ll pay you for each view it gets.”
“I’m surprised it got a reaction so fast! Your offer sounds good, but what’s the catch?”
“No catch. We want to build good relationships with key news sources like yourself. There’s very little news about people with the zombie disease. Where does this zombie family live?”
“Um, I think I have to protect their privacy.”
“OK, but can I at least interview you?”
“Me? I guess so. When would you want to meet?”
“Today.”
“Um, we’re on vacation right now.”
“I will gladly pay you for the interview.”
“Let me check with my wife and get back with you.”
“That’s fine. You can call me at this number, my private cell, or our turkey hotline, 1-800-Z-TURKEY. Or you can email me. Or text me.”
“OK. I’ll give you an answer today. Bye.”
“Lisa!” Sam called again.
“Lout! That’s not very professional, calling from one office to another,” she complained from her office.
“Sorry,” he said as he walked into her office. There was no one else in the room, but after four months of marriage, he’d learned to keep his mouth shut. “I’ve got Ron’s story posted on the Midley site, and I’m waiting to hear back from him about the interview today. He is hiding the identity of the zombie family.”
Part 14 – My Undead Mother-in-law Free Chapter
“Great! I assume you’ll be able to interview this family if you promise to protect their privacy. I also assume you’ll find out the identity of this family and interview them directly.” Lisa looked directly at him.
“Of course.” With Lisa, it was always safe to agree.
Sam’s phone rang. “Hi, Ron… That’s great! Let me write down the address… I’ll see you at three p.m.! Bye.”
“Where is he?”
“Gary, Indiana. I can be there in three hours.”
“One hour if you take the plane.”
“I forgot about that! I’ll call Dan Cosana now.” Sam called the Midley Beacon’s pilot, and they agreed to meet at the local county airport in half an hour. Sam arranged for a rental car at the Gary International Airport.
Two hours later Sam headed in the rental car toward his meeting with Ron Yardley, at a local coffee shop.
“Hi, you must be Ron.” Sam recognized him from the description he gave over the phone and from his pictures on his blog: tall, slim, in his late twenties, in an Abercrombie & Fitch sweatshirt. Sam supposed women would think he was good looking.
“Yes. Are you the Sam Melvin? Of the Midley Beacon? I’ve read some of your stories on the zombie turkey crisis. I love how you marketedthe Midley Beacon! I’m glad to meet you!”
Sam basked in Ron’s enthusiastic greeting. He and Lisa had gotten a lot of adulation since the zombie turkey story broke, but Ron seemed sincere, if a little overpowering.
“Thank you, Ron. I’m eager to meet you too. Your blog post had the first details I’ve seen about zombiism in humans. The nation and the world are starving for details on this condition. All the stories I have read dealt with it occurring and people being treated.”
Part 15 – My Undead Mother-in-law Free
“First of all, I have to have your promise to keep all details private. Hide the city and anything else that might violate these people’s privacy.”
“Of course. I happened to bring along the contract for our interview. It contains a clause on privacy protection.”
“Hmm.” Ron read the contract. “A thousand dollars? For the interview?”
“And another thousand for an interview with the zombie family.”
“I’ll have to check with them.”
“Of course. Do you think the privacy clause will protect their anonymity?”
“Looks like it. OK, I’ll sign it.” After that formality, Ron said, “Go ahead!”
“Let’s begin at the beginning. When did you hear about this zombie family?”
“Soon after they turned. My wife and I know them.”
“Who else knows they’re zombies?”
“I guess their church and workplaces.”
“Doesn’t it get awkward with the bright-red eyes?”
“They’ve taken to wearing dark glasses. Everyone just thinks they’ve suddenly become fashionable.”
“Have they experienced much pressure to take the antibiotic?”
“Yes, they have been pushed to take it, from work and church and the local health officials.”
“Why haven’t they taken it?”
“The older couple is in their late forties, and since they’ve become zombies, they’ve never felt better in their lives. The younger couple likes the enhanced strength and weight loss.”
Part 16 – My Undead Mother-in-law Free Chapter
“Have they noticed any other differences in being zombies?”
“They eat more. I have noticed they all have a lot more energy, a lot more boldness and aggressiveness, I guess.”
“Any personality changes?”
“Everything just seems enhanced. When they get angry, they get really angry. When they’re happy, they’re really happy.”
“Have there been any other violent scenes like the one you blogged about?”
“No. That was a stunner to me.”
“OK, that should be enough for now. I have a lot of questions about your relationship to them, what they do for work, how their lives have changed, but those’ll wait until I meet them. When can I meet them?”
“I’ll talk to them tonight and let you know.”
“See you, Ron. Thanks a lot. When I write the story, I won’t tell what city we’re in. I’ll just say, ‘a certain Midwest city.'”
“That sounds good. I’ll call you tonight.”
Later that evening, while Sam was eating a steak dinner at the hotel restaurant, Ron called.
“Hi, Sam.”
“Hi, Ron.”
“I read your story on the Midley Beacon. It was good to see my name in there. Thanks for linking to my blog. My blog hits have more than doubled!”
“Sure thing.”
“Good news. The zombie family has agreed to be interviewed tomorrow. They’ll have you over for lunch at noon.”
“I’ll be there!”
One Last Thing
If you like these kinds of excerpts, subscribe here, if you haven’t already.
You can get the audiobook here. My wife likes my audiobooks more. Maybe you will too.
You can get an autographed book by clicking here.
Andy Zach
