Posted on July 20, 2018 by admin

Do You Want A Funny Novel @ 80% Off? Try Paranormal Privateers

Do You Want A Funny Novel @ 80% Off? Try Paranormal Privateers by Andy Zach

Is Paranormal Privateers a Funny Novel? Try this sample:

A motion on the floor caught my eye as I sat on the bed. A cockroach crawled up the drain and onto the floor. Surprising. Usually, Britain kept their prisons pest free. Then another. And then a dozen more. Then hundreds.

This was not normal cockroach behavior. They do not come into the light in swarms. I sat cross-legged on the bed and watched the swarm with fascination. They each climbed the door, walked the steel perimeter, and went back down the drain, even as others went up.

Utterly curious, I nabbed one with my lightning reflexes before it descended. Examining it carefully, I saw a metal dot under its thorax and a narrow tube attached to its abdomen. A pungent, acidic smell came from the tube. I looked back to the door. A narrow trench had been eaten in the door’s perimeter, right where the cockroaches still marched. Near the ceiling light, I saw mist curl away from the door.

Modified and controlled cockroaches—that was like Vik Staskas’ cyborg controlled animals. I read his Ph.D. paper on the technology as well as the Midley Beacon’s de-classified reports on his battles with the zombies. Since Vik was dead, at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, this could only be one of my siblings or Papa Smith trying to rescue me.

New Novel Paranormal Privateers Excerpts – Part 2

Going back through my perfect memory of the twists and turns where they led me here hooded, counting my steps, and remembering the doors, I was confident I could retrace my steps.

The last of the cockroaches marched around the door, leaving its trail of acid. The steel was etched deep, perhaps a centimeter or more. Couldn’t be much left.

I knocked on the door. Yes, it felt like a centimeter thick, and it echoed like it was almost cut through. Then someone knocked back, much harder.

“I’m here!” I called. I assumed this was my rescuer.

“Step back,” grated a curious, tinny voice, like it was coming through a small radio.

I stepped away.

CLUMP! CLUMP! Two metallic thunks hit the other side of the door. Then, SKREERK! The door tore off like the lid of a tin of meat.

I didn’t expect what I saw. A male, silverback gorilla filled the doorway and the whole hallway beyond. Thick armor covered his body. Casually, he placed the door scrap against the hall.

“Follow me,” he said.

Want more? I have another excerpt here.

Or you can go big pig and go here to Amazon or here to CreateSpace for more free reading.

But why settle for excerpts when you can get the WHOLE BOOK for .99?

Funny Novel for .99 – Here’s How

First, click here:

Next, click “Buy” within 34 hours of 4 PM Eastern Daylight Time, Central Time, USA. You see, the sale is up for only 40 hours and 6 have already passed. Then the price goes up.

Finally, read and enjoy!

Other fun from around the Internet

I keep finding fun items. Here are a few more.

A Silent Movie Pianist Gives a Demo

Then there’s this bit of internet animated Flash history. Please reply to me or comment if you’ve never seen this before!

How can I top that video? By one of the greatest videos by one of the greatest parody artists of all time! See if you can keep from laughing at this next video.

Finally, I must say goodbye for now!

Andy Zach’s Tombstone

Posted on July 19, 2018 by admin

3 Writing Tips You Don’t Want to Miss from author Andy Zach

3 Writing Tips You Don’t Want to Miss from author Andy Zach

I used these 3 Writing Tips in each of my three comic paranormal animal urban fantasy books.

If you’re an author, you’ll want to know anything that’ll make your job easier. If you’re a reader, you may be curious to know how an author creates a book from nothing. Here’s the first tip!

3 Writing Tips: The First Tip – Plan Your Story

There are two types of writers: planners and pantsers, those who write from the seat of their pants. Regardless of how you get your first draft done, your final story needs structure the reader can follow. Here is one popular approach: the three-act story structure.

The Three Act Story dates from Aristotle who defined it for Greek plays. I think the key takeaways are first: make sure the reader knows and cares about the characters. Second, the setting, place and time may be vague, but the threat or conflict should be interesting from the start, between the protagonist and his or her goal.

See my two previous blog posts for much more on plotting and story structure. The first link follows:

Free Plotting Lessons Here from author Andy Zach

And the next link is:

Free Plotting Lessons Second Lesson from Author Andy Zach

3 Writing Tips: The Second Tip – Pick the Best Point of View

The point of view is critical. First person point of view allows the reader to get into the main character’s head and read his or her thoughts. But then the reader can’t know anyone else very well, except through what the character observes.

An author can flip from one character to another, but the transitions can be confusing for the reader. Pro-tip: confusing the reader is very bad, leading to reader loss, probably forever. So do the transitions clearly and well, or don’t switch.

A compromise is to use a limited third person point of view. This allows the reader to look over the shoulder of a character, even reading their emotions, but only see what that person sees. Then switching to another character is much easier.

The Third Tip – Have a Privacy Policy

Why does an author need a privacy policy? You don’t, if you never talk, or write to or communicate with fans. If you’re going to interact with fans of your books (highly recommended!), then you’ll need some rules of engagement. If you have a website and a mailing list, you must follow the European Privacy rules for European fans. These rules will likely spread worldwide.

If you don’t care about privacy violations and European litigation, just ignore this tip.

Your fun from the Internet is next

Let’s start with this cross between a cat and a bird of paradise:

I bring you the problems of being a shapeshifter . . .

Then there’s this simulation of a Martian overflight:

How do you like this next Henny Youngman gag?

And finally, let’s give this blog post a BIG finish!

Posted on July 11, 2018March 16, 2025 by admin

Free Plotting Lessons Second Lesson from Author Andy Zach

Just when you think you’ve learned all you can about plotting, then you discover Free Plotting Lessons Second Lesson. This, of course, is a follow up to Free Plotting Lessons Here from author Andy Zach, my previous blog post.

What do you get? First, you learn about hooks.

Lesson 3 – Start with Your Hook

Free Plotting Lessons Second — A pirate hook for Writing Paranormal Privateers First Draft

Second, you learn how to fill in your scenes.

Lesson 4 – Fill in your scenes

Finally, this lesson includes a free spreadsheet from me, Andy Zach!

Free Plotting Lessons Second Lesson – Start with Your Hook

What’s a hook? An irresistible opening to your book that intrigues the reader and forces them to read more. And more. And more.

A hook is a plot device. It can be:

A startling or mysterious statement
A dramatic or deadly situation.
A heart-tugging situation – heroine tied to railroad tracks, a child in a fire.

How do you write a hook?

First, I’ll give you some examples.

From The Hunger Game, by Suzanne Collins, you have this:

Doesn’t that set off questions? Who is Prim? Who is the narrator? What’s the ‘reaping’?

From the sublime (in terms of book sales) to the ridiculous: my own novel Zombie Turkeys hook.

Paranormal Privateers Progress Update — Zombie Turkeys front cover. Click to get a copy!

Zombie Turkeys – Chapter 1 Bartonville

He felt different. More energetic, more alive. He bred with female after female in his flock without tiring. He stayed awake through the night. He feared no predator.

Then a turkey hunter shot him.

The setting sun overlooked a crisp, clear evening in early November. South of Bartonville, Illinois, a farmer had leased his wood lot to two turkey hunters. Big and burly in their bulky camouflaged outfits, they had just bagged one.

“Good shot, Pete!”

“He’s a big ‘un!”

Pete and Bob walked up to the tom turkey, bleeding on the cold ground. The rest of the flock had scattered into the woods. He had exceptionally good plumage and weighed perhaps twenty pounds. Pete reached down and picked him up by the neck.

“He weighs at least twenty-five pounds!”

Then the turkey’s eyes opened—and gleamed red. He kicked with his spurs and pecked savagely at Pete’s arms and eyes. Dozens of his hens attacked the men from behind.

“Gobble! Gobble!”

He felt different. More energetic, more alive. He had no memory of being shot, but a certain turkey satisfaction at killing his killers. He also enjoyed pecking at their dead meat. He had always liked frogs, but this meat tasted better. He led his flock down the road, in search of more predators to eat.

More on Hooks here:

See Book Bub’s article on hooks: Start Your Novel with a Bang! 12 Ways to Hook Readers

Now you practice writing an irresistible hook! Submit it in the comments to this blog. The best hook gets a free ebook: Zombie Turkeys or My Undead Mother-in-law.

If you don’t want to comment, just send it to me here.

Free Plotting Lessons Second – Fill in your scenes

Each scene MUST serve a purpose.

Advance the plot: X does Y to Z.
Develop your characters. Make them real people with strengths and weaknesses: X is unfaithful but hardworking. Z is loyal but dumb.
Give the reader information. X abused as a child, but very kind. Z happy as a child, but has a secret. Engage the reader. Make them care.
Ideally do all three at once in the same scene, in every sentence.
Finish with a hook for the next chapter. Force them to read the next chapter!

Review your plot outline. Pick one chapter and break it into scenes.

What happens first? Then what logically flows from that event? What do the characters do? How do they react? Portray the effects from each scene. Tug at the reader’s heart.

For your next exercise, break one of your chapters from your outline into scenes. Post your outline as a comment or send it to me. I’ll randomly select one and send you a free ebook.

I didn’t have a scene chart with Zombie Turkeys, and I struggled. Then I learned about scene charts from Rachel Aaron in her book:

2K to 10K: Writing Faster, Writing Better, and Writing More of What You Love

My scene chart from chapter one of My Undead Mother-in-law:

To get your copy of my scene spreadsheet, just contact me.

That’s it! Now you’ve finally gotten the whole class I taught on plotting. Ask me any questions you want. I’ll answer each one.

Your friendly, neighborhood, comic paranormal animal author,

Andy Zach

Category: Blog