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Advent Day 19
Advent Day 19
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Get Your Free Excerpt from Paranormal Privateers, my third zombie book in my Life After Life Chronicles.

“Why bother?” you may ask.

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Don’t you like reading about sentient alien intelligence that is a Star Trek fan?

Most of you know my first book, Zombie Turkeys, now available in audiobook format:

Somewhat fewer of you know my second book, My Undead Mother-in-law, also available in audiobook format:

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From Chapter 4 London, the first draft of  Paranormal Privateers, we find the paranormal privateers, George, Diane, Lulu, and Sharon, going incognito as undeclared zombies, quite against British law at the time. They’re using bloodhounds and zombie corgis to track down terrorists threatening London. Oh, and they have a truckload of zombie bulls.

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Scotland Yard met us the next morning when we docked in the port of London. We divided up into three groups to cover the area. Diane and I took everything between Grosvenor Place and Belgrave Place. Lulu and Sharon took the area from Belgrave to Basil. The Scotland Yard dog handlers Jerry Naismith and Benjamin Buxley took the wedge from Basil to Knightsbridge.

We jogged along, Diane and I. She had picked up the special two-wheel wheelchair, iBot, from Kamen industries office in London and loved tooling along at six miles per hour. Since we were in England maybe I should use the metric equivalent: ten kilometers per hour. I had no trouble keeping up with her, even as a deaf-mute. If people talked to me, I just handed them my deaf-mute card. The dogs, our two corgis, and two bloodhounds, also in service dog vests, loved it.

Then came a yell over our headsets. It was the Scotland yard crew, Jerry and Ben, both yelling.

“We’ve found them! The terrorists! They’re on the second floor of Harrods, in the tableware section!” said Jerry.

“We can’t get any closer! They’ve got tasers!” said Ben.

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“The hounds found C-4 in crockpots. When the sales clerks saw us they shot tasers at us!” Jerry continued.

“We would have been fried, but our kevlar vests stopped them,” added Ben.

“Now they’ve surrounded us in the ladies WC, taking shots at us,” Jerry interjected.

“We’re not far away!” said Lulu. “We’ll be right there!”

“George, we’re over a mile away, but we’re close to our truck, er, lorry holding the bulls and more corgis.”

I nodded. We had decided killer turkeys and the crowds of London were not a good combination. The turkeys remained on the yacht.

Diane jumped out of her wheelchair. “I’m breaking cover, you can too, George!” We ran to the truck, about two blocks away.

“Let me drive Diane,” I said.

“Of course. Left-hand drive scares me!”

Left-hand drive just required flipping all my US habits around. Look right first, then left. Keep left. I got the lorry out into traffic. We got into the traffic circle off Grosvenor.

“Look for Brampton exit,” I said.

We went all around the circle. No Brompton.

“Let’s try Chesham,” Diane suggested.

“We just passed it,” I said.

“What about Wilton?”

“You mean that last exit? We can’t go back to it now.”

“Here comes Belgrave again.”

“Let’s pull off,” I consulted the map on my cell phone. No map appeared for London. Rather, a popup said, “Directions disabled for London by order of the City of London. Please consult an official London cabbie.” I read aloud, incredulous.

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The bulls bawled in the lorry. “There’s a taxi stand over there,” I pointed to Diane.

“I’m on it!” Diane leapt out of the lorry, ran across the busy traffic circle, accompanied by honking cars and talked with a cabby. She gave him some money and ran back.

“He’ll lead us to Harrods!”

I followed him out of the traffic circle. Then I heard in the headset, “Yow!”

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“Ay, caramba!” That was Lulu.

“What happened, Lulu?”

“Sharon caught a taser in the face. She’s down! It’s way more electricity than a regular taser. It can stop a zombie!”

“How are the Scotland Yard guys, Jerry and Ben?” I asked.

“We’re fine!” Jerry answered.

“After Lulu and Sharon attacked the clerks let us alone,” Ben added.

“Then we slipped down to the first floor,” Jerry said.

“That’s the second floor in US terminology,” Lulu said.

“So if the tableware is on the second floor, that’s the third?” I asked.

“Yes,” Lulu said.

“What’s your situation, Lulu?” I asked.

“I’m using a cutting board as a shield. When the taser hits it, I cut the wires with my katana.”

“Are they going to rush you? Where are you?”

“I don’t think so. One tried sneaking past me and I bowled him down by throwing a mixer at him. I’m guarding the exit to the dinnerware room. They can’t leave past me, but I can’t advance. I can’t leave Sharon anyway. How long until you get here?”

“We’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”

“We’ll need about ten more minutes,” said General MacGregor, who was in charge of the backup forces.

“Good! Double backup! Lulu, hang on, we’re bringing in the heavies!” Diane said.

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You Can Go Round the World with Paranormal Privateers

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“What???” you ask.

The Paranormal Privateers are zombies hired by the Federal government as privateers. The book opens with them fighting Somali pirates–by letting themselves get captured.

“Is that all?”

Nope! They go through the Suez canal and then on to Sevastopol, where they break up a human trafficking ring.

How do you feel about saving 80% on the book? Paranormal Privateers will be on sale from February 8th to 10th. Click here to grab your copy. But don’t wait. It goes up to $2.99 on February 10th. Then on the 15th it goes back to the normal price of $5.99.

Somalia Excerpt

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Inhaling the salted breeze, he grinned back at Muhammed. He cheered and laughed in his seat behind the M2 machine gun in the bow of the boat they used to patrol the coasts and fishing waters of Somalia. The sun gleamed off his white teeth.

“Look, Dirac!” he said. “They’re stopping!”

True enough. The bow wave ceased as he watched. A pod of dolphins ended their sporting on the wave and submerged. The gleaming white yacht loomed above them. What were they doing in the fishing waters of Somalia? He couldn’t imagine the wealth on board. Enough for their whole village to eat well for a year!

Their supreme leader, Omar Ogala, organized Somali fishermen and former coast guard sailors to patrol their fishing waters. He ordered them to capture any fishing or cargo vessels they spotted. He told them the Americans and Europeans no longer cared about Somalia with the other crises around the world and they could defend their coasts from foreign competition—and dumpers. Many foreign nations, knowing Somalia’s military weakness, sent cargo ships full of pollutants and dumped them into their waters.

Dirac never expected to see a luxury ship here. It was as big as a cruise liner, but apparently a private yacht. He’d seen one once before when an Arab sheik visited Mogadishu. This one was three times the size! The owner would pay big to get it back. Maybe even a billion dollars? He couldn’t imagine that much money, and he was good with numbers. Let’s see: fourteen million people lived in Somalia. Divide a billion dollars among them would give each about seventy dollars. Unbelievable. A family of five could live comfortably for a year on that!

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He came along as a navigator, fighter, and boarder, guiding their boat along the shore of Somalia and into the Arabian Gulf for several days, before leading them back. Besides Muhammed and him, there was Zahi, another fighter and boarder, and Ali, their captain.

“Dirac,” Ali said, “you and Zahi board this ship and take the helm. You will follow us back to Hobyo. Muhammed and I will stay on the boat and keep the machine gun on them.”

“Yes, sir,” he said.

Ali took the megaphone they carried for ship-to-ship communication. “Let us board! Let us board! Or we will gun your ship!”

Dirac didn’t understand English, of course, but he knew what Ali was saying. Ali was the only one who knew any English.

“Don’t shoot! Give us time! We have to get our ladder!” Surprisingly, the person spoke in Arabic. Good Arabic too, but with a strange Saudi and European accent. More surprisingly, it was a woman, a blonde, from what he could see of the figure leaning over the railing far above us. He kept a close watch on her. Strictly for security purposes, of course.

They kept their boat about fifty meters away from the ship and watched the crew scurry about the many decks. Dirac counted five including the main deck, and there were at least three more decks below the main one.

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Finally a rope ladder unrolled from the main deck, perhaps ten meters above them. They came close to the ship. A pod of dolphins flashed under their boat. Then they leapt out of the water and into it.

Only, they weren’t the dolphins he had seen earlier. Four people in green wet suits landed with heavy thumps in Dirac’s boat. They had no breathing equipment, not even snorkels. They took off their goggles, and their eyes shone bright red in the sun.

“Zombies!” Ali cried. “Shoot them!”

Automatically, Dirac sprayed the nearest with his AK-47. He heard the others fire too. Muhammed shot the largest one with the big .50-caliber machine gun. That could cut a man in two.

Dozens of red craters appeared in the black wet suit of the one Dirac shot. But she—a white, brown-haired woman—didn’t go down. Her brows furrowed in anger, and shouting in English, she ripped the gun from his hand and threw it into the ocean. He was like a baby with a rattle taken by his parent. The other zombies did the same, except the big one. He grabbed the barrel of the machine gun in both hands and wrenched it from Muhammed. Dirac could hear the zombie’s flesh sizzle on the hot barrel. Then the big zombie bent the barrel into a right angle. Rubbing his hands together afterward, the burned skin fell on the deck of their boat. Pink skin showed on his palms.

He was enormous, bigger than two Somalis put together. His red eyes looked out of his calm, square face. The bullets from the machine gun had sliced the wet suit open across his chest, and more pink skin showed in the gap. As he watched, brown hair grew.

You Can Go ‘Round the World Excerpt – From London

From Chapter 4 London, the first draft of  Paranormal Privateers, we find the paranormal privateers, George, Diane, Lulu, and Sharon, going incognito as undeclared zombies, quite against British law at the time. They’re using bloodhounds and zombie corgis to track down terrorists threatening London. Oh, and they have a truckload of zombie bulls.

 

Scotland Yard met us the next morning when we docked in the port of London. We divided up into three groups to cover the area. Diane and I took everything between Grosvenor Place and Belgrave Place. Lulu and Sharon took the area from Belgrave to Basil. The Scotland Yard dog handlers Jerry Naismith and Benjamin Buxley took the wedge from Basil to Knightsbridge.

We jogged along, Diane and I. She had picked up the special two-wheel wheelchair, iBot, from Kamen industries office in London and loved tooling along at six miles per hour. Since we were in England maybe I should use the metric equivalent: ten kilometers per hour. I had no trouble keeping up with her, even as a deaf-mute. If people talked to me, I just handed them my deaf-mute card. The dogs, our two corgis, and two bloodhounds, also in service dog vests, loved it.

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Then came a yell over our headsets. It was the Scotland yard crew, Jerry and Ben, both yelling.

“We’ve found them! The terrorists! They’re on the second floor of Harrods, in the tableware section!” said Jerry.

“We can’t get any closer! They’ve got tasers!” said Ben.

You Can Go ‘Round the World

Advent Day 19
You Can Go 'Round the World
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After more adventures, the zombie privateers (lead by My Undead Mother-in-law Diane Newby) go to Washington DC.

Why Washington DC? Because aliens landed there.

I had fun researching Washington DC’s geography, the layout and distances around the National Mall, and shaped explosive charges! 

Drop by weekly, or subscribe to my newsletter, and I’ll give you bi-monthly updates about my latest books and free and discounted books from other authors.

You Can Go ‘Round the World – An Author Reading

Here’s another excerpt, read by Yours Truly, Andy Zach. Get Your Free Excerpt is from the beginning of the book, chapter 1.

Click here to send me your comments!

You can go ’round the world with an autographed book by clicking here.

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What Would You Do With An Undead Mother-in-law?

What Would You Do With An Undead Mother-in-law? That is if your mother-in-law had super strength and speed and regenerated from any injury? And had glowing red eyes to boot? In my novel My Undead Mother-in-law. that’s Diane Newby. Find out what her son-in-law Ron Yardly thinks. Read the excerpt below. My book is .99 from January 18th until the 25th. Get your copy by clicking here.

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What Would You Do With
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As we pulled up in Karen’s parents’ drive, I was reassured by the sheer normality of their three-bedroom suburban home: green yard partially covered with snow, evergreen bushes, two-car garage. There was no sign zombies lived there. Of course, what sign could I expect? A skull and crossbones and Beware of Zombies? Perhaps a biohazard sign?

Diane greeted us at the door. “Hello, my love!” She hugged Karen.

Karen barely flinched as she looked into her mother’s bright-red eyes. But she grunted “Ugh!” at the force of her embrace.

“Ease up, Mom.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Hello, Mom,” I said as I hugged her as hard I as could.

She hugged me back twice as hard.

“Ugh,” I grunted too.

Diane still had blond-highlighted brown hair, as she did when I first met her. She’d gained a pound or two though. She smelled of the body talc White Linen. I recognized it because Karen and I bought it for her birthday last year, pre-zombie. And she still wore her cat-eye reading glasses on a chain around her neck.

My Undead Mother-in-law.

What Would You Do With My Undead Mother-in-law, Part 2

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Diane Newby, in her natural environment.

Diane seated us on the living room sofa. “Supper’s on. I have a nice pot roast for us tonight. Donnie and Maggie should be here soon. George!” she called. “The kids are here!”

A heavy tread down the stairs announced George Newby. His eyes shone red too, but while Diane was built like a middle-aged woman, George was a classic wide-body. His shoulders filled the stairway. You’d think he was a truck driver or a lineman rather than an accountant.

“Hi, Karen. Hi, Ron,” he rumbled. He hugged his daughter, as if he held a baby bird, and shook my hand without hurting me in his bratwurst fingers. His bright-red eyes looked squarely into mine.

“I’m so glad you made the trip. You can help us put to rest the ugly rumors that people with zombiism aren’t human. It’s just a disease. It’s not even harmful,” Diane enthused as she sat across from us. George sat next to her in a brown leather recliner.

“Mom, we love you. You don’t have to convince us,” I said.

“Of course not. I know that. It’s just that we’ve had people talking behind our backs at church and the public health officials trying to pressure us to get the treatment to eliminate the disease.”

“Don’t you want to get rid of it? I think the antibiotics for it are safe and effective.”

“You’d think so, but we actually have never felt better in our lives! I have more energy than ever, and so does George—right, George?”

“Yup.”

“My arthritic aches and pains have completely disappeared, and George’s old football knee injury is all better too.”

My Undead Mother-in-law.


What Would You Do With My Undead Mother-in-law and the Villain, Vik Staskas

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What Would You Do With

Vik Staskas absently stroked his long glossy-black hair as he skimmed through the day’s news on his wall-mounted monitor from his five-hundred-foot superyacht. He noted the surge in zombie cures and sought to tap into the money. He hired operatives to infiltrate the Midley Beacon and SPEwZ Inc., the business arm of the famous charitable zombie organization. The possibility of failure didn’t occur to him. He succeeded in everything he tried: a street thief as an orphan in Belgrade; a college student in Paris, where he got his PhD in robotics; and taking over European organized crime without the nominal bosses knowing he existed. He was ready to take over the US.

He developed remote-controlled cyborg animals and insects. He used them to spy, to infiltrate, to conquer, to steal, to kill. They were unstoppable. He planned his first hijacking of a zombie blood air shipment from Gary, Indiana. He could think of several practical uses for cyborg-controlled zombies in his crime empire. As they were, zombies had too much free will for his taste. He chuckled. Even zombies didn’t stand a chance against him.

My Undead Mother-in-law.

Readers Speak About Meeting My Undead Mother-in-law

What Would You Do With Her?


Not your standard zombie tale

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4.0 out of 5 stars 

When I started to read this book, I was leery. As far as I know, I’m less interested in zombies than anyone on the planet. How could I give a reasonable review? Turns out, it wasn’t hard at all. I’ve said before and it turned out to be true here that, if you have a ridiculous premise that’s hard to swallow, run with it, normalize it, and readers /viewers will eventually accept. And it worked.

The original premise of cognizant, virtually indestructible zombies was lobbed and backed until I was a believer, actively rooting for zombies. Plenty of (bloodier than average) action, some smiling, if not guffaw humor, a nice fulfilling story arc in an easy readable length made for a fun book (if bloody action doesn’t bother you) with charm that didn’t take itself to seriously but still capable of many a tender and touching moments.

I’m glad my prejudice didn’t keep me from enjoying this out-of-the-common-way story.

Stephanie Barr

Let’s start with wow!

5.0 out of 5 stars 

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I am a huge zombie fan, I had thought the genre had worked itself out for a while and then I read this book. I think I have been scarred for life! I foresee months if not years of counseling in my future.

Not everyone is going to like every book, you know what that’s all right. Maybe they don’t understand the book. If you want to envision hordes of undead animals attacking the evil… sorry I don’t do spoilers. Think of a slightly sardonic look on life and you will be getting close.

While reading this book I was reminded of a visionary work of Cinema, “Polterygiest: Night of the Chicken Dead” a great movie by Troma Entertainment. Do yourself a favor check out this book.

an avid reader

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