Category: Reviews

What’s A Zombie Detective? It’s not a detective who is a zombie, but one who solves zombie cases.

Our beloved everyman, Sam Melvin from Zombie Turkeys, loses his reporting job and tries his hand at detecting zombie cases. The book’s on sale for .99 from Dec. 7 to 8th.

For Advent, I’m giving a free book every day until Christmas.

What’s A Zombie Detective? A Summary

Ace zombie reporter Sam Melvin has been fired–by his wife, Lisa. Their paper, The Midley Beacon, is barely surviving. How will they make ends meet?

Sam decides to give being a detective a try. He advertises his business–but his zombie experience comes with it. All across the country, people bring their zombie problems to Sam. Zombie Squirrels? Zombie Bulls? Sam’s on the case. But can his experience with zombie turkeys transfer?

Sam finds out in a series of deadly adventures–and so will you when you read this book. See if you can keep from dying from laughter.

Here’s Your Free Book

It’s my latest book! Magic Arrives, my first fantasy.

Magic breaks out on the Earth. Suddenly, liars pants catch on fire.  Stuffed animals stop gang members. But no one knows how the magic works.  Welcome to the new Earth: eight billion sorcerer’s apprentices. Everyone is magical. Everyone gets their wishes granted.

Does that sound frightening? It’s worse. Nuclear scientist Katie Garcia is doing her best to figure it out, using all the resources of Oak Ridge National Labs. Will she learn the rules of magic before humanity destroys itself—or her?

Get your advanced reader’s copy right here online!

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Any newsletter subscriber gets free audiobook codes–as long as they last. Click here to get yours. Don’t wait until they’re gone!

Do you want an autographed book? I’ll mail it directly to you with free shipping and I pay the taxes! Click here to get yours. My shipping may not be the same day, but at least it’s free–for you.

Got questions? Comments? Reach me directly by clicking here. I’ll get back to you as quickly as I can.

What You Don’t Know About Zombie Turkeys Could Kill You. This blog post will give you three facts about zombie turkeys that could kill you–or help you escape from death.

First, the whole story is given in the historic document from an alternate universe where they pop up.

Get your Zombie Turkeys audiobook here.

Or your Zombie Turkeys ebook

Finally, you can get a Zombie Turkeys paperback.

Secondly, not everyone has read these vital documents. You can get a leg up on your neighbor by knowing what to do and what not to do if they invade your neighborhood.

Finally, this is a great gift for turkey farmers, turkey eaters, and zombie apocalypse afficionados of your acquaintance.

This blog post is for Advent Day 5, but it’s late, so day 5.5. Your Advent Gift are these three facts, hidden in the book.

What You Don’t Know About Zombie Turkeys – Fact 1

Zombie turkeys can be shot and killed by guns – but they come back to life.

From the first page:

He felt different. More energetic, more alive. He bred with female after female in his flock without tiring. The tom stayed awake through the night. He feared no predator.

Then a turkey hunter shot him.

The setting sun overlooked a crisp, clear evening in early November. South of Bartonville, Illinois, a farmer had leased his wood lot to two turkey hunters. Big and burly in their bulky camouflaged outfits, they had just bagged one.

“Good shot, Pete!”

“He’s a big ‘un!”

What You Don’t Know – B

Pete and Bob walked up to the tom turkey, bleeding on the cold ground. The rest of the flock had scattered into the woods. He had exceptionally good plumage and weighed perhaps twenty pounds. Pete reached down and picked him up by the neck.

“He weighs at least twenty-five pounds!”

Then the turkey’s eyes opened—and gleamed red. He kicked with his spurs and pecked savagely at Pete’s arms and eyes. Dozens of his hens attacked the men from behind.

“Gobble! Gobble!”

He felt different. More energetic, more alive. He had no memory of being shot, but a certain turkey satisfaction at killing his killers. The tom also enjoyed pecking at their dead meat. He had always liked frogs, but this meat tasted better. He led his flock down the road, in search of more predators to eat.

What You Don’t Know – Fact 2

You can kill zombie turkeys by burying and squishing them – but they come back to life.

Excerpt from zombie turkeys:

The machine operators were relatively secure in their enclosed cabs, although turkeys would fly up and peck at the windows. The tough glass, designed to resist construction debris, foiled the turkeys. All the operators had headsets by which they could speak and hear each other and what the director said. From inside the office, he said, “Go ahead and make the trench. Make it narrower, just one bucket wide.”

Operating from opposite ends of the arena, the excavators made a trench a hundred feet long, about eight feet deep, and four feet wide.

“Now, you D-11 operators, push the turkeys into the trench.”

With their huge twenty-foot blades of steel, over eight feet high, they pushed clumps of turkeys into the trench. Tangled together, in a narrow space, they couldn’t get out again.

Fact 2B

“Cover them up!”Thousands of pounds of dirt filled the trench. The hundred-ton dozers ran back and forth over it until it was as solid as the rest of the ground.

“Woowee!We did it!”The operators jumped out and high-fived each other. The script directors came out of the office to celebrate. After the celebration had calmed down, they heard a peculiar sound: ploop!And then another: ploop!And then ploop, ploop, ploop!

They turned around to where the trench had been. Like gigantic bubbles coming out of a swamp, the turkeys were popping up out of the ground. Hundreds were bursting out every second. They looked worse for wear: brown, dirty, with broken legs and wings, but they were hopping and walking and trying to fly anyway. And their eyes were still bright red. They slowly staggered toward the men, dragging broken legs or wings. “Gobble! Gobble!”

What You Don’t Know – Fact 3

You can make turkey sausage using a woodchipper. They stay dead then.

Excerpt from Zombie Turkeys:

He turned on all the floodlights in the yard and saw that the traps he had at the doors to his barn had already been activated. These traps killed more gruesomely than the chainsaw one, but they weren’t as noisy. These traps were a series of wooden boxes, three feet on a side. A turkey-sized hole, led to a turkey-sized tunnel, led to a turkey-sized trap door, led to a wood chipper. The chopped turkey went from the wood chipper into a bin.

Tom had joked to his wife he could sell this as turkey sausage.

More Zombie Turkey Resources

Any newsletter subscriber gets free audiobook codes–as long as they last. Click here to get yours. Don’t wait until they’re gone!

Do you want an autographed book? I’ll mail it directly to you with free shipping and I pay the taxes! Click here to get yours. My shipping may not be the same day, but at least it’s free–for you.

Got questions? Comments? Reach me directly by clicking here. I’ll get back to you as quickly as I can.