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Do You Want A Funny Novel @ 80% Off? Try Paranormal Privateers

Funny Novel

Do You Want A Funny Novel @ 80% Off? Try Paranormal Privateers by Andy Zach

Is Paranormal Privateers a Funny Novel? Try this sample:

A motion on the floor caught my eye as I sat on the bed. A cockroach crawled up the drain and onto the floor. Surprising. Usually, Britain kept their prisons pest free. Then another. And then a dozen more. Then hundreds.

This was not normal cockroach behavior. They do not come into the light in swarms. I sat cross-legged on the bed and watched the swarm with fascination. They each climbed the door, walked the steel perimeter, and went back down the drain, even as others went up.

Utterly curious, I nabbed one with my lightning reflexes before it descended. Examining it carefully, I saw a metal dot under its thorax and a narrow tube attached to its abdomen. A pungent, acidic smell came from the tube. I looked back to the door. A narrow trench had been eaten in the door’s perimeter, right where the cockroaches still marched. Near the ceiling light, I saw mist curl away from the door.

Modified and controlled cockroaches—that was like Vik Staskas’ cyborg controlled animals. I read his Ph.D. paper on the technology as well as the Midley Beacon’s de-classified reports on his battles with the zombies. Since Vik was dead, at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, this could only be one of my siblings or Papa Smith trying to rescue me.

New Novel Paranormal Privateers Excerpts – Part 2

Going back through my perfect memory of the twists and turns where they led me here hooded, counting my steps, and remembering the doors, I was confident I could retrace my steps.

The last of the cockroaches marched around the door, leaving its trail of acid. The steel was etched deep, perhaps a centimeter or more. Couldn’t be much left.

I knocked on the door. Yes, it felt like a centimeter thick, and it echoed like it was almost cut through. Then someone knocked back, much harder.

“I’m here!” I called. I assumed this was my rescuer.

“Step back,” grated a curious, tinny voice, like it was coming through a small radio.

I stepped away.

CLUMP! CLUMP! Two metallic thunks hit the other side of the door. Then, SKREERK! The door tore off like the lid of a tin of meat.

I didn’t expect what I saw. A male, silverback gorilla filled the doorway and the whole hallway beyond. Thick armor covered his body. Casually, he placed the door scrap against the hall.

“Follow me,” he said.

Want more? I have another excerpt here.

Or you can go big pig and go here to Amazon or here to CreateSpace for more free reading.

But why settle for excerpts when you can get the WHOLE BOOK for .99?

Funny Novel for .99 – Here’s How

First, click here:

Funny novel
Paranormal Privateers front small Click to get your copy!

Next, click “Buy” within 34 hours of 4 PM Eastern Daylight Time, Central Time, USA. You see, the sale is up for only 40 hours and 6 have already passed. Then the price goes up.

Finally, read and enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other fun from around the Internet

I keep finding fun items. Here are a few more.

A Silent Movie Pianist Gives a Demo

Then there’s this bit of internet animated Flash history. Please reply to me or comment if you’ve never seen this before!

How can I top that video? By one of the greatest videos by one of the greatest parody artists of all time! See if you can keep from laughing at this next video.

Finally, I must say goodbye for now!

Andy Zach’s TombstoneAndy Zach's Tombstone

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Get Your New Zombie Turkeys News Here and Free Books!

New Zombie Turkeys News

Get Your New Zombie Turkeys News Here and Free Books!

Let’s start off New Zombie Turkeys News with a bang!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF4BT62Haeo

Now for the literary bang–and I don’t mean an interrobang. Here’s a Zombie Turkeys bang:

4.0 out of 5 stars

Miss Goosebumps? Have Fun With Zombie Turkeys!

on July 17, 2018

What was most surprising to me about Andy Zach’s Zombie Turkeys? – that is qualified as an actual adventure story! I wasn’t expecting that. About a quarter way in, when a young reporter gets the assignment to follow a swarm of 10,000 rampaging turkeys into a stretch of unfamiliar woodlands, it actually grabbed my attention while I was driving, and I was scared for the reporter (even without the zombie element, 10.000 turkeys is a LOT, and being a reporter is no protection against 10,000 wild animals).

We get a little bit of everything in this novel. The prologue is very funny. There is plenty of carnage, the author has plenty of fun envisioning industrial scale defenses against zombie turkey hordes. There is nice wish-fulfillment as a small-time newspaper becomes wildly successful reporting on the zombie-turpocalypse. Finally, there is also nice wish-fulfillment as the reporter finds ways to survive, the reporting teams grow and expand, and even as love finds its way into the mix.

Part 2

There are two major comedic set pieces included in the novel: a turkey dinner at the Whitehouse (which had a funny moment (to me), where Michele Obama encourages her children to walk across the backs of the secret service agents, and says something along the lines of “Go ahead sweetheart – that’s what they’re there for.”) The second major comedic piece involves professional sports and fandom – when a zombie horde overruns a stadium, fans compete to see which band of hooligans can kill the greater number of invading turkeys – it is a broad set-piece that gets richer and richer as it plays out.

A book with the title of “Zombie Turkeys” promises light entertainment, and that is delivered. There is more adventure than I expected, and slightly less direct comedy — the characters play their scenes straight. The comedy is in the absurdity of the events (at least for me).
Fans of zombie fiction should definitely give it a try. Graduates of the “Goosebumps” books (and there are a LOT of them) might also really enjoy it. Fun. Gruesome yes, but fun (and very friendly).

Forget New Zombie Turkeys News–Where’s the Free Stuff?

Before we get to the free books, let me mention Rik Ty is the author of Thrill Kings, an exciting SciFi thriller. Here’s the book:

Thrill Kings Fragmented Sky: The Birth Of Interdimensional Travel Kindle Edition

Your Free Books Right Here

You can get Zombie Turkeys Zombie Turkeys front cover.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next, you could win My Undead Mother-in-law:

New Zombie Turkeys News
My Undead Mother-in-law front cover. Click to get more!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Or, finally, you can get Paranormal Privateers

New Zombie Turkeys News
Paranormal Privateers front small Click to get your copy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All you have to do is click here. Then you’ll go to my contact page.

Next, enter your email address and say you’d like to subscribe to my blog newsletter.

Or you can click here. Then you’ll go to my homepage. A handy pop-up window will allow you to subscribe to my newsletter.

Then sit back and relax. Month after month, you’ll be entered in my two monthly drawings. One is for a free copy of my book in ebook or paperback format. And the other drawing is for an audiobook of my books.

I’ve already given away my books to thirty-four lucky people! You might be next!

Pro-tip: You can enhance your chances by getting your friends to subscribe. Send me their emails and as they subscribe, I’ll give YOU an extra chance for each one in that month’s drawing!

Finally, let’s end with a bang!

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Free Plotting Lessons Second Lesson from Author Andy Zach

Happy Mother's Day

Just when you think you’ve learned all you can about plotting, then you discover Free Plotting Lessons Second Lesson. This, of course, is a follow up to Free Plotting Lessons Here from author Andy Zach, my previous blog post.

What do you get? First, you learn about hooks.

Lesson 3 – Start with Your Hook

 

 

 

 

 

 

Second, you learn how to fill in your scenes.

Lesson 4 – Fill in your scenes

Finally, this lesson includes a free spreadsheet from me, Andy Zach!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Free Plotting Lessons Second Lesson – Start with Your Hook

What’s a hook? An irresistible opening to your book that intrigues the reader and forces them to read more. And more. And more.

A hook is a plot device. It can be:

  1. A startling or mysterious statement
  2. A dramatic or deadly situation.
  3. A heart-tugging situation – heroine tied to railroad tracks, a child in a fire.

How do you write a hook?

First, I’ll give you some examples.

From The Hunger Game, by Suzanne Collins, you have this: 

Doesn’t that set off questions? Who is Prim? Who is the narrator? What’s the ‘reaping’?

From the sublime (in terms of book sales) to the ridiculous: my own novel Zombie Turkeys hook.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zombie Turkeys – Chapter 1 Bartonville

Zombie Turkeys Chapter 1 Icon
Zombie Turkeys Chapter 1 Icon

 

He felt different. More energetic, more alive. He bred with female after female in his flock without tiring. He stayed awake through the night. He feared no predator.

Then a turkey hunter shot him.

The setting sun overlooked a crisp, clear evening in early November. South of Bartonville, Illinois, a farmer had leased his wood lot to two turkey hunters. Big and burly in their bulky camouflaged outfits, they had just bagged one.

“Good shot, Pete!”

“He’s a big ‘un!”

Pete and Bob walked up to the tom turkey, bleeding on the cold ground. The rest of the flock had scattered into the woods. He had exceptionally good plumage and weighed perhaps twenty pounds. Pete reached down and picked him up by the neck.

“He weighs at least twenty-five pounds!”

Then the turkey’s eyes opened—and gleamed red. He kicked with his spurs and pecked savagely at Pete’s arms and eyes. Dozens of his hens attacked the men from behind.

“Gobble! Gobble!”

He felt different. More energetic, more alive. He had no memory of being shot, but a certain turkey satisfaction at killing his killers. He also enjoyed pecking at their dead meat. He had always liked frogs, but this meat tasted better. He led his flock down the road, in search of more predators to eat.

More on Hooks here:

See Book Bub’s article on hooks: Start Your Novel with a Bang! 12 Ways to Hook Readers

Now you practice writing an irresistible hook! Submit it in the comments to this blog. The best hook gets a free ebook: Zombie Turkeys or My Undead Mother-in-law.

If you don’t want to comment, just send it to me here.

Free Plotting Lessons Second – Fill in your scenes

Each scene MUST serve a purpose.

  1. Advance the plot: X does Y to Z.
  2. Develop your characters. Make them real people with strengths and weaknesses: X is unfaithful but hardworking. Z is loyal but dumb.
  3. Give the reader information. X abused as a child, but very kind. Z happy as a child, but has a secret. Engage the reader. Make them care.
  4. Ideally do all three at once in the same scene, in every sentence.
  5. Finish with a hook for the next chapter. Force them to read the next chapter!

Review your plot outline. Pick one chapter and break it into scenes.

What happens first? Then what logically flows from that event? What do the characters do? How do they react? Portray the effects from each scene. Tug at the reader’s heart.

For your next exercise, break one of your chapters from your outline into scenes. Post your outline as a comment or send it to me. I’ll randomly select one and send you a free ebook.

I didn’t have a scene chart with Zombie Turkeys, and I struggled. Then I learned about scene charts from Rachel Aaron in her book:

2K to 10K: Writing Faster, Writing Better, and Writing More of What You Love

 My scene chart from chapter one of My Undead Mother-in-law:

To get your copy of my scene spreadsheet, just contact me.

That’s it! Now you’ve finally gotten the whole class I taught on plotting. Ask me any questions you want. I’ll answer each one.

Your friendly, neighborhood, comic paranormal animal author,

Andy Zach

Paranormal Privateers Now
Andy Zach and Brenda Sutton at Chambanacon