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Villain’s Vacation Begins – Chapter 1 – Advent 16

Villain's Vacation cover What is it like?

Villain’s Vacation Begins – Chapter 1 It’s my gift for you, on the 16th day of Advent. All through Advent I’ll give you a gift per day! Enjoy chapter 1 of my book Villain’s Vacation. In it, four seventh graders with four different disabilities and four different superpowers go to a coaster park. Too bad their worst enemy is there, out for revenge. Merry Christmas to all!

P.S. I give away free books for any reviews on this book. Just click here and send me a link to your review.

Villain’s Vacation Begins – Chapter 1 – Dancer

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Villain's Vacation Begins
Chapter 1 icon of Villain’s Vacation

How fascinating! This book says there are libraries where hundreds of books live. It also says the fiction books are in order by author name.

Dancer scurried off Your Sixth Year Reader to look at Jeremy Gentle’s bookshelf again. Jeremy was Dancer’s owner and unknowing educator. Ever since he’d taught himself to read by studying the newspapers lining the bottom of his cage, Dancer had craved reading.

He hadn’t figured out why he’d started reading. One day Dancer had noticed patterns in the markings. He saw they repeated themselves in clumps which then formed more patterns. Then he started listening to his owners differently. They also spoke in patterns. “Jeremy” was always called “Jeremy” or “Jeremy Gentle” by his mother and sometimes by his father.

Dancer had learned to understand Jeremy and his parents, and then he’d put the terms they said with the clumps on the paper. Each letter had a sound, and together they formed clumps his master called “words.” The idea was brilliant. No wonder they were his owners and he was only a hamster.

Dancer read each paper eagerly to the point of memorizing it, but reading started to bore him. Jeremy only changed the lining about once a week. So he’d watched Jeremy open and close his cage door. Then he copied the motion, using his paws and nose. He left to search for more words to read.

Dancer found a treasure trove. This bookshelf was one of six in the lower level of his master’s big cage. Dancer decided to explore upstairs when he finished the books down here. He wasn’t even done with this shelf yet.

Part 2

Rollercoaster Adventure
Villain's Vacation Begins
Hamster vs Squirrel

The books he read so far were Jeremy’s old schoolbooks, all marked up by Jeremy. Dancer could smell Jeremy’s scent on them. He’d learned about books called “fiction,” which were stories humans invented. Humans organized fiction by author, not topic, like nonfiction. Now, he’d look for these fiction books.

He scanned the shelf above the schoolbooks. Some of the hardbacks had names on the binding. Those were the authors. Wells, Yellen, Zach. That was alphabetical—maybe these were fiction books. He climbed to the second shelf and pulled the Zach one—Zombie Turkeys—out of its place.

 Soon he so was engrossed, he hardly heard the front door open. Jeremy was home! Dancer had to get back in his cage. Using his paws and mouth, he jammed the Your Sixth Year Reader and Zombie Turkeys back onto the shelf and scampered across Jeremy’s lab. He shinnied up the table leg to his cage, flipped the sliding door up with his nose, and squeezed in.

Jeremy rolled into the room in his electric wheelchair, with his friend Dan Elanga holding the back of it.

“Hi, Dancer! You’re up to greet me! Look, Dan. He’s standing up against his door.”

“He does look like he’s greeting you.” Dan wasn’t even looking at Dancer. Dancer knew he was using his telepathic power to see through Jeremy’s eyes.

Jeremy picked up Dancer and petted him. Dancer smelled Jeremy’s familiar scent. Someday he’d have to tell Jeremy that he’d learned to read. But how?

This Andy Zach seemed to know a lot about animals, at least zombie turkeys. Maybe he’d give Dancer some ideas.

Villain’s Vacation Begins – Part 3

After Jeremy and his parents left the next day, Dancer finished Zombie Turkeys and learned about zombie squirrels, rabbits, cows, and people. They were weird, but not any weirder than what he read about people in the newspaper. Humans did all kinds of crazy things. He didn’t even know if Zombie Turkeys was fiction or not. Or was the newspaper fiction? Nothing was marked. There was so much he didn’t know.

Dancer noticed a contact email for Andy Zach in his book. He climbed on Jeremy’s computer desk. Dancer had played with the computer once before and found it confusing. Now he had a purpose: send an email to Andy Zach.

The hamster pushed the mouse with his front paws until the arrow on the screen was over the circle with the three colors. He had seen Jeremy do this to send an email many times. Dancer clicked it with his nose. A window opened. Now, what do I have to click next?

He read everything on that window. Bookmarks, 120 unread, News, My Drive, Blog. Hmmm … 120 unread what? His nose clicked on the mouse.

Mail. Found it! Now, how to write one? Again Dancer read everything. A rectangle with one word, “Compose.” That means to write music. Could it mean write an email? Words often have more than one meaning. He clicked it.

The window changed. It now showed:

From: Jeremy Gentle

To: (blank rectangle)

Subject: (blank rectangle)

Then there was a big blank space. Another rectangle with the word “Send” appeared at the bottom.

Dancer breathed faster like he was racing on the wheel in his cage. This is it! Carefully, he placed his paw on each letter on the keyboard: [email protected]. He’d memorized Andy Zach’s email address from his book.

Villain’s Vacation Begins – Part 4

Villain's Vacation Begins
Chapter 4 icon

 Dancer pushed the mouse and clicked through to the next rectangle.

Subject: how do i tell my owner i can read q.

He couldn’t type uppercase symbols like the question mark or capital letters. In desperation, he used a q for the question mark.

That didn’t seem quite right, but he couldn’t think of any other way to put his question. Andy was an author. He should be good with words. I’m sure he’ll understand.

What should I say to Andy? Just tell him the truth.

andy,

i’m a hamster. i learned to read. how do i tell my owner, jeremy gentle q i can’t talk. please help.

dancer

That seemed to cover everything. The letters weren’t quite right since he couldn’t figure out how to capitalize, but it probably didn’t matter. He also shortened “question” to “q.” That didn’t seem any more confusing than “?”. He pressed Send and went to read the rest of Jeremy’s bookshelf.

As he spun his wheel that evening, Dancer thought, How will I know if Andy responds? I suppose the unread emails will go to 121. I’ll just have to check in the morning.

Worn out from worry and wheeling, Dancer nested in his cedar shavings and went to sleep.

* * *

After Jeremy and his parents closed the front door the next morning, Dancer raced out of his cage to the computer desk. Opening the window, Dancer saw 123 unread emails. He scanned them. One subject read, “To Dancer, care of Jeremy Gentle.” From Andy Zach. That was for him! He opened the email, twitching his whiskers with eagerness.

Hi Jeremy and Dancer,

If this is Jeremy reading this email, read the attached email and you’ll understand. It’s from your hamster, Dancer.

If this is Dancer, pay close attention.

Part 5

Villain’s Vacation Chapter 5 icon

Your email fascinated me. Proceeding on the assumption this is not a hoax, here’s what I recommend.

First, keep reading and learning about the world of humans. No matter how much you know, it isn’t enough. We’re weird and dangerous.

Second, you’ll have to wait until I finish my Secret Supers book tour. Then I’ll come to Maryville and personally introduce you as an intelligent hamster to Jeremy and his friends. I’m sure they’ll be happy to meet you and be friends.

Third, if you want to keep this secret, delete this email after you read it. Don’t send me any more. Jeremy can read them.

I look forward to meeting you, Dancer!

Your friendly paranormal animal author,

Andy Zach

Where was the Delete button? The hamster moused around the screen, hoping for a pop-up instruction. He went over a rounded rectangle with lines. “Trash” appeared. He clicked it, and the email deleted.

Whew! Computers puzzled him. But Dancer hoped Andy would know what to do with Jeremy and his parents. He had plenty to learn while waiting. He’d caught up to Jeremy in English. What subjects should he try next?

There was this group of books called “Encyclopedia” on the bottom shelf of one of the bookcases. He’d avoided them because they were so big and heavy. But he’d just learned the meaning of “encyclopedia” in Jeremy’s seventh-grade English book. It meant a collection of books that contained all knowledge. Just what I need.

Villain’s Vacation Begins – Part 6

Villain's Vacation Begins
Chapter 6 icon

Too bad he couldn’t read an encyclopedia on the computer. He didn’t think he could put the big book away. He scanned the screen again for “Encyclopedia.” Nothing. What’s this? A round symbol with a blank for typing. He put the mouse arrow over it, and the word “Search” appeared.

He carefully typed “encyclopedia” in the blank, then clicked the symbol. A new window popped up. “Free encyclopedia online” the first line read.

“how long do book tours last,” he typed.

He read several articles, with no clear answer. It seems questions don’t always have one answer. Some authors never stop touring. Others do it for weeks or months. Too bad he didn’t ask Andy how long he’d be on tour.

 Under “Popular Topics,” he saw “Abraham Lincoln,” a name Dancer recognized from Jeremy’s schoolbooks. He began reading. So much to learn!

* * *

Lincoln fascinated him, and his history showed how dangerous humans could be. As a break from the violence, Dancer read about hamsters. There were seventeen types or species. They lived in Europe, Asia, and the Middle East.

 The world was enormous. What he could see out the windows was the least of it. Dancer felt an urge to explore his neighborhood. How long did he have before Jeremy returned? He glanced at the clock. Twelve thirty. He had four hours.

He’d learned to tell time from Jeremy’s first-grade math book. Once he’d gotten past addition and subtraction, he’d been confused, but clocks were a great invention of humans.

Dancer went out the doggy door, followed by Jeremy’s black lab, Diesel. He sniffed Dancer curiously and then went about his business.

Villain’s Vacation Begins – Part 7

What is novel Writing Like
Jeremy is captured by a robot in Villain’s Vacation

Dancer explored the backyard and then slipped easily under the gate in the fence. He loved the fresh air and exploring… Ooh! What’s that?

A small striped animal ran up to him. Dancer concentrated and remembered the word for it … chipmunk. It looked like the picture in Jeremy’s book. Except this chipmunk had a metal cap on its head. Odd.

After staring at him, the chipmunk ran off as fast as it’d arrived. He’d have to ask Andy Zach about this when he saw him.

Dancer completed his circumnavigation of Jeremy’s property and returned through the doggy door. Diesel raised a sleepy head as Dancer entered, and then the dog lay back down. Dancer felt proud, a little like that human Magellan he’d read about. Maybe later he’d have a chance to go around the world with Jeremy.

But now he was tired. He reached for Andy Zach’s next book, My Undead Mother-In-Law, and snuggled up for a good read. The story talked about human zombies and their problems and adventures. Then rats, snakes, monkeys, and chipmunks appeared with “metal yarmulkes.” What were those?

Back to the computer Dancer jogged. He learned a yarmulke was a small cap worn by observant Jews. Judaism was one of the many religions humans followed. Was Andy writing about Jewish animals?

Dancer’d never thought about religion himself. It was just one of the many things about people he didn’t understand. He trotted back to the book. What did Andy say about these animals with yarmulkes? Was the chipmunk he saw one of them?

Villain’s Vacation Begins – Part 8

Frantically, he read more of Andy’s book. There it was. The metal yarmulkes indicated cyborg-controlled animals. Another online dictionary check taught him a cyborg was a part-human—or animal—part-machine combination. In Andy’s book, a criminal controlled the cyborg animals.

Does that mean some criminal is using the chipmunk to spy on Jeremy? That’d be terrible! Now he trembled. Humans had always seemed so powerful, but when they turned to evil, they were dreadful. There was only one thing he could do. Back at the computer, he typed:

dear andy,

 i found a cyborg chipmunk outside jeremy’s house. i’m afraid it’s controlled by a criminal. what should i do q please answer quickly.

dancer

He sent the message and hurried back to finish Andy’s book before Jeremy returned.I

One Last Thing

Andy Zach in repose
My Undead Mother-in-law Free
Andy Zach in repose

If you like these kinds of excerpts, subscribe here, if you haven’t already.

You can get the audiobook here. My wife likes my audiobooks more. Maybe you will too.

You can get an autographed book by clicking here.

Andy Zach

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Read Free Secret Supers Chapter – Advent 15

Secret Supers audiobook cover

Read Free Secret Supers Chapter for You. – Why? It’s the 15th day of Advent and I’m giving a gift per day! Enjoy chapter 1 of my book Secret Supers. In it, four seventh graders with four different disabilities get four different super powers. Merry Christmas to all!

P.S. I give away free books for any reviews on this book. Just click here and send me a link to your review.

Read Free Secret Supers Chapter 1 – Jeremy

Disabled Middle School Superheroes
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“Dear diary,” Jeremy Gentle dictated into his app on his tablet in his bedroom. “Today, I became a superhero.” Jeremy stopped, uncertain. Was that the best way to start his journal? Might as well just tell the story. He needed to sleep. He had a big algebra test tomorrow at Maryville Middle School.

Yesterday, school went as usual. It was the same old seventh grade. Same handicapped kids in the same class. Same problems transferring to the toilet from my wheelchair. Nothing new.

Oh, I take that back. I had one new, bad thing happen— I fell during physical therapy. There I was, between the parallel bars, halfway done. I tried with all my might to take another step. I couldn’t.  My muscles screamed, at their end. My legs collapsed, and I hung like a marionette from the gait belt, held by my therapist, Fred Bernstein.

For once I was glad I was a skinny, twelve-year-old. Soaking wet, I don’t even weigh eighty pounds.

I gave up completely and flopped bonelessly. I might as well be on the floor, I thought. And then I was.

“What?” yelled Mr. Bernstein. “Jeremy, are you okay? The belt must have slipped. I’m sorry about that!”

“It wasn’t your fault, Mr. Bernstein.”

“Here, let me help you up.” He picked me up and put me in my electric wheelchair. “Now let’s see that belt. Ah, this little pin popped off. Bad design. I’ll complain to the manufacturer.”

Part 2

I made it through the rest of my otherwise boring day with no problems but a few bruises on my arms and face. With CP, cerebral palsy, you have no reflexes to break your fall. After that, all I wanted to do was get home and play in my science lab with my new equipment.

Read Free Secret Supers Chapter
Jeremy, superhero

My parents, Denise and Bradon Gentle, both have good salaries from their jobs as an occupational therapist and Certified Financial Planner. When I showed interest in math and science in elementary school, they bought me lab equipment for experiments. Over the years, they kept adding to it as my interests changed and grew. Eventually, I had a whole room in the basement of our home as my lab.

My dad bought me a new set of super magnets yesterday. I experimented using magnetic fields on living creatures and tested them on my pet hamster, Dancer. He seemed to get a little dizzy, but I saw no other effects.

I read up on bioelectromagnetics on the internet and discovered not many experiments had been done on frequencies above 300 hZ. Then, I rigged up a frequency modulator to test a variety of frequencies. I could hardly wait to try it with my new super magnets.

I assembled the magnets into my variable frequency circuit. Just as I was about to try it I heard, “Jeremy! It’s time for dinner.” It was my mom.

My parents make a big deal out of eating together and discussing the day’s events. It was interesting, hearing about Dad’s job in finance and Mom’s in occupational therapy. I didn’t have much to say, as usual. Quickly, I excused myself and left as soon as possible.

Read Free Secret Supers – Part 3

I tried the new arrangement on my hamster and got him dizzy again. Then I thought of adding the power of my capacitor array. That would give a sudden burst of magnetism.

I connected it to the circuit and released the twenty-five thousand volts it contained. It knocked me out! Later I found out the whole house went dark.

Dan-from-Secret Supers, superhero

“Are you okay, Jeremy?” asked my Mom, shaking me awake.

“Uh, I think so.” I slumped in my wheelchair, as groggy as my hamster.

“We lost power for a few minutes, and then we thought to check on you.”

“I’m sorry about the outage. I ran an experiment with the new electromagnets, and I must have overloaded the home circuits.”

“That doesn’t matter,” said Dad. “Are you okay? Do we need to call the doctor or the ambulance? You were out when we came in here.”

“I think I’m okay,” I repeated. I stretched and sat upright. “Don’t bother calling the doctor. Let me see what happened to my experiment. The capacitors all discharged correctly,” I commented, checking my instruments.

“What does that mean? You know we don’t know as much as you do about electronics,” Dad said.

“Oh, it just means I used all the stored power for my experiment. I discharged the capacitors into the new magnets you bought me.”

“Were you tormenting your poor hamster again?” asked Mom.

“No, I just wanted to see what would happen with more current. I found out. It knocked me out, and I wasn’t even in the center of the magnets. It must have caused a power surge that tripped the house’s circuit breakers.”

“Are you sure you feel okay?” asked Mom.

“Yeah, I’m just tired. I think I’ll go to bed.”

Read Free Secret Supers Part 4

“That’s a good idea,” said Dad. “Let’s see how you feel in the morning.”

The next morning I felt great. I wriggled out of bed and dressed, as usual, crawling around my carpeted floor. My legs were hopelessly spastic, but my upper body was strong enough to drag me around my room.

Kayla
Read Free Secret Supers
Kayla of the Secret Supers, superhero

After packing my chair’s pannier with my school supplies, I pulled myself into my chair. Getting in and out was a long, painful process. I picked up my phone, preparing to leave my room, but it slipped from my hand to the floor.

Crap. Now I have to climb down again. Desperately, I bent over and tried to reach the phone where it lay, tilted against my bed. Not quite.

With a burst of frustrated anger, I said, “Come here!” And the phone zipped into my hand.

Wow. That never happened before. There was a pencil on my desk, across the room. “Come here,” I said.

Zip! It smacked into my palm.

Then, I experimented. I could make my bed far more efficiently than from my knees. I even tidied my desk.

“The bus is here,” called Mom from the kitchen.

I went down to the bus more excited about school than I ever had been before.

At school, I tried different things. I secretly moved chairs and other blockages to my wheelchair out of my way. In therapy, I tried to move my limbs with my newfound power. Success! At least I didn’t fall or get exhausted.

“That’s great, Jeremy,” said Mr. Bernstein, his voice rising in excitement. “You got all the way through the parallel bars. Do you think you can go back?”

Part 5

“Let’s try it.” Going back was even easier. I got the hang of moving my legs with my mind.

“This is a breakthrough. That’s it for today. We may be able to get you out of that wheelchair!”

“Fantastic!”

Aubrey, superhero

Driving out of the room to the bathroom, I got another idea: could I actually pick up myself with my thoughts? Why not try? Focusing on my whole body in my chair, I imagined myself lifted up in a sitting position from my chair and onto the toilet.

At first I thought I had failed, for I felt no difference from sitting in my chair. Then I realized I was looking down at the toilet from a height. I eased myself down on the toilet.

I was so excited I could hardly go. It was as if I was Magneto of the X-Men! I wondered how much I could pick up. I tried to lift my electric wheelchair. It weighed more than two hundred and fifty pounds. Slowly, carefully, I made it float an inch, then a foot, then two feet off the floor.

I felt no strain. The chair hovered there as easily as if it were suspended from a cable. I lowered it and levitated back into my seat. Now, I had study hall. I wonder what my limits are?

“Miss Smith, could I have a hall pass to the gym? I’ve got some new PT I want to try,” I said to the study hall teacher.

Read Free Secret Supers – Part 6

“Sure, Jeremy. Physical therapy is always a top priority.” I went to the weight room next to the gym. No one was there during the school day. Moving the pin holding the weights, I set the bench press machine to three hundred pounds and lifted it with my mind. Up it went like a balloon.

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I added forty-five-pound iron plates to the machine. Three-forty-five, three-ninety, four-eighty! All rose like soap bubbles in a breeze. One more plate to add. Five-twenty-five. Nothing. It was like I had no power at all. Replacing the forty-five-pound plate with a twenty-five, I tried five hundred even. It stirred, moved up one inch, and stopped. So that was my limit.

I wondered if I could make my wheelchair fly. I concentrated, and it slowly rose, with me in it. Zip! I moved around the weight room, circling faster and faster. Then I heard someone coming. I set myself down with a clump.

“Hi, Jeremy,” said Mr. Finney, the PE teacher. “What brings you here?”

“Uh, I had a good day in therapy,” I said, thinking fast. “I wanted to see if there were any weights I could lift.”

“Good for you. Did you find any?”

“Yes, but I’m tired now.” There. I satisfied him, without really lying at all. And I was tired, from all my concentrating.

I had another study hall at the end of the day. I had one more experiment to try. After getting another hall pass, I went outside to the batting cages used by our baseball team. They had speedometers to measure the pitching machines.

Looking around and seeing no one, I turned one on remotely with my mind. I was gaining finer control. With a pen, I could write well using just my thoughts.

Part 7

I picked up a bat and ball. I floated the ball to the pitching machine and the bat over the plate. Using my mind, I pushed the ball toward me. Zip! It went over the plate. I swung and missed. It was way faster than I thought.

Looking at the speed readout, I saw eighty-eight mph. Woah! That’s a major league fastball. I hadn’t even tried my best.

I repeated my experiment, trying with all my might. One hundred and one. I tried again and again, but I couldn’t beat that.

 I glanced at my phone. It was time for the bus. I’ll never get there in time. But, what if I flew?

If I skimmed the ground, people wouldn’t notice I was flying. I did it and got to the bus stop faster than a person could have run. I wonder what my top speed in my scooter was? Why not try it on the road?

“Hey, Mr. Williams!” I called out when my bus driver opened the door for me. “I won’t need a ride today. I’ve got another ride home.”

“Okay, Jeremy.”

I waited until the bus pulled away and then slowly moved down the sidewalk to the front of the school. I sped up on the sidewalk until I matched the speed of the cars in the street. It was great! I didn’t have to worry about curbs or bumps, as I just sailed over them.

Since I didn’t have to worry about stopping to let off other students, I went straight home and arrived ten minutes earlier than usual. My mom got off work first and would be home in half an hour. How fast could I go?

Read Free Secret Supers – Part 8

I skimmed to the end of our street, where it dead-ended into the freeway. Then, I hopped over the fence and traveled on the green grass margin next to the road. I matched the highway speeds of the cars and then surpassed them. I zoomed home and flew to my lab. Literally.

I had an accelerometer in my lab. I tested it by swinging it in my hand. The electronic readout on the remotedial on my lab bench fluctuated between .1 and .3 g. Now, how much acceleration could I generate with my mind?

I zoomed the instrument from my hand to the wall and back again. No apparent acceleration. I repeated it, going faster and faster. Nothing.

Puzzled, I sat and thought. How could there be no acceleration? I must be affecting the whole instrument, every atom of the it, so that it detects no acceleration at all.

I was still thinking through the implications of this when my mom came into the lab.

Jeremy stopped dictating. That was enough. He’d have a lot more to say tomorrow.

One Last Thing

Andy Zach in repose
My Undead Mother-in-law Free
Andy Zach in repose

If you like these kinds of excerpts, subscribe here, if you haven’t already.

You can get the audiobook here. My wife likes my audiobooks more. Maybe you will too.

You can get an autographed book by clicking here.

Andy Zach

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Read Your Free Short Story from Oops! Advent 14

Oops! My SciFi latest science news What's New Science

Read Your Free Short Story from Oops! Tales of the Zombie Turkey Apocalypse (Click to get yours). – Happy 14th day of Advent! Enjoy my story, “In A Pickle”.

P.S. I give away free books for any reviews on this book. Just click here and send me a link to your review.

You don’t want to read your free short story? Enjoy this performance of “In A Pickle” on Youtube:

Read Your Free Short Story “In A Pickle”

Read Your Free Short Story
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Now, what was he going to do? His boss just told him to double the productivity of Vegan Inc’s pickle strain they used for their Kilwowski Pickle brand. That was completely impossible.

But keeping his job required it. Bryce was the low man on the genetic engineering totem pole at Vegan Inc., the last one hired and the first one to be fired if another recession hit.

He couldn’t think. He couldn’t face this. So he cruised the internet.

“The origin of Zombie turkeys? I didn’t know they’d found that. Hmm, a Midley Beacon exclusive, the foremost zombie news source,” he
read to himself.

Zombie turkeys had ravaged Illinois and the US at Thanksgiving. Thankfully they hadn’t hit near Terre Haute where he lived. He skimmed the article rapidly. Corn All, one of their agribusiness rivals, had genetically modified their corn to fight off corn disease. The genetic modification would adapt to the disease at a cellular level, and neutralize it by copying the DNA from the disease organism, whether fungal or bacteria.

Part 2

When wild turkeys ate the corn, it modified the E Coli in their gut, creating the zombie turkey bacteria, e coli gallopavo. That got into the turkeys’ bloodstream and made them zombies, able to regenerate any
lost or damaged body part, even bringing turkeys back from the dead.

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What caught his eye was the reproduction rate: zombie cells reproduced every twenty minutes. Could that work for pickles? Why not try?

He read the article more carefully and found it sourced from a Dr. Edwin Galloway of the Northwestern Poultry Institute. He followed the link to Dr. Galloway’s original paper.

There it was. The whole DNA sequence of Corn-All’s modification and the zombie turkey bacteria, e coli gallopavo. Now, he just needed to get a sample. Nothing like going to the source.

He called Dr. Galloway.

“Hello? Dr. Galloway? This is Brice Butterworth with Vegan Inc.”

“Hello, Mr. Butterworth. How can I help you?”

“I read your paper on E Coli Gallopavo, and I’d like to test it on various vegetables. Could I get a sample?”

“I can send you a sample, but the bacteria only affects turkeys, not plants.”

“But Corn-all used the sequence in corn.”

“Yes, but the zombie effect only showed up in turkeys. E Coli is an animal-specific bacteria.”

“No other animals?”

“We only tested turkeys, pigs, chickens, and cows.”

“I’ll test some other animals.”

“All right. I’ll send you some of the bacteria and some of the Corn-all corn. Let me know what you find out.”

“Will do. Make it a next day shipment. Vegan Inc will pay. We’re under a time crunch.”

“I’ll ship it today.”

“Thanks so much! This may help solve a problem for me.”

Read Your Free Short Story – Part 3

Meet My Characters
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“Great! Let me know your results. Be sure to give the Poultry Institute of Northwestern credit.”

“You’ve got it. Bye.”

Brice spent the rest of the day thinking about how to get the zombie growth bacteria to grow in the pickles. Maybe he could genetically engineer them so they appeared to be turkeys to the bacteria? That
would be a kind of chimera, a hybrid, between turkey and cucumber. He went out and bought a pair of live turkeys from eTurkey, the online turkey delivery service. They too would be delivered tomorrow.

He created his project plan. He’d try to insert turkey DNA into the cucumber genome and then infect it with the zombie turkey virus. That’d double the growth rate of cucumbers, easily!

The turkeys, bacteria, and corn arrived the next morning. First, he ensured the zombie bacteria worked. He injected the bacteria into the two birds and watched their eyes turn red. That was the first sign of
zombiism.

He had already moved them from standard chickenwire pens to the Zombie Turkey Farmers of America (ZTFA) approved steel cages. They couldn’t defeat the quarter-inch steel bars, but they kept trying.

They’d peck at them until they were bloody. Then they’d pause and heal and try again. So that’s what Dr. Galloway meant when he wrote that the zombie bacteria caused increased aggression.

Using the Vegan Inc. lab’s waldo, he extracted fresh blood from turkeys and separated out fresh E Coli Galipavo bacteria. The turkeys pecked at the mechanical hands, to no avail. He injected the ECG into living cucumbers at various stages of growth. No effect.

Part 4

REad Your Free Short Story

No surprise. Now for the second branch of his research. Even though a cucumbers DNA was far simpler than a human’s he had thousands of sites where he might splice it in. He picked the ten likeliest and planted twenty chimera seeds.

Only half even sprouted. He tested them with the ECG bacteria. Failure. He tried ten different DNA sites each day to make his ‘turkeycumber’ as he called the chimera. After a month of failure, he gave up. He had to try something else.

Scanning the internet for inspiration, Brice read the Midley Beacon again. The headline ‘Zombie Squirrel caught on video’ leapt out at him.

He read, “The hawk nabbed the squirrel, as hawks normally do, but in midair, the squirrel revived, ripped open the hawk’s belly, bit off its leg, and fell a hundred feet to the ground, where it scampered away unharmed. It was captured on drone video.”

That’s it! He’d try some other animals and see if they’d turn zombie. First, he made a squirrelcumber. No effect. Then a cowcumber. Failure. Then a deercumber. Nothing.

Another month down the drain. His boss, Wilma O’Reilly stopped by.

“Hi Brice, how’s it going?” That meant ‘had he doubled the cucumber growth rate yet.’

“Success is just around the corner,” he lied. He knew what to say to get her off his back.

“That’s great! So you’ll have this solved in another month?” That meant she didn’t believe his lie.

“Maybe a month and a half. Or two.” He had no clue when he’d solve it.

“Fantastic! That’s a commitment to have something by June, then. Right?”

“Uh, right.” She had him nailed to a wall. He had three months to solve this and he was no closer than when he started.

Read Your Free Short Story Part 5

REad Your Free Short Story

“Wonderful. When you succeed, you’ll easily pay for the money you’ve spent on the research. Oh, and by the way. If you can’t solve this problem, we’ll have to let you go in the mid-year budget cuts. But I’m sure you’ll solve it.” She smiled brightly at him and walked away.

Ugh. Now what? His mind was blank. He filled it up with social media. A tweet on a hummingbird picture led him to an article about them. Fastest metabolism of all animals. Insectivores as well as herbivores.

Huh. They were like turkeys. They were like turkeys on speed!

Why not? Brice thought. What have I got to lose—besides my job? Could he buy hummingbirds on Amazon? Nope. Not legal, since they’re migratory birds. But he could become a hummingbird rehabber.
He already had a biology degree, as well as a masters in recombinant DNA.

Brice volunteered at the nearest bird rehab center. They were delighted to have him. He nursed several birds back to health, bound broken legs and wings. He also extracted some hummingbird blood and sequenced its genome.

Bryce brought one hummingbird back to the lab instead of releasing it to the wild. He fed it Corn-all GMO grain and studied its droppings for any E Coli. Yes! It produced the zombie bacteria too, just like turkeys.

He sprayed the zombie e coli (ZEC) at the bird. Soon its eyes turned red. It rammed the birdcage, faster and faster, bending the bars. It was a zombie.

Brice extracted its blood and put it in a cage of bulletproof glass. It settled down, slurping up the nectar from the feeder, eating twice as much as usual. Higher metabolism was another sign of zombiism.

Part 6

No time to waste. He had only one week left until June. Over the next two days, he spliced the zombie hummingbird DNA into the three hundred spots he’d found on the cucumbers DNA and planted them all.

Only one came up. He injected the hummingbird’s zombie bacteria into it. It began to grow even as he watched it, flowering. He hand pollinated it and by the time he left for home, he had twelve full-grown cucumbers. Success! Brice could hardly wait for the next day.

The cucumber plant filled the lab when he got in, covered with flowers. He pollinated hundreds of them.

Then Brice pickled his twelve cucumbers. Now they just had to pass the taste test. It’d be a week before they were ready.

Brice took the brine solution and sprayed his zombie hummingbird with it. As everyone knew, five months after the zombie turkey apocalypse, salt water was the most effective way of eliminating zombiism. He watched the bird until its red eyes turned to black. Then he let it go back to the wild.

“Thanks, little guy,” he murmured.

While he waited for the pickling to complete, he picked hundreds of cucumbers. He tested their seed to ensure the hummingcumber chimera bred true. It did. The second generation grew just as fast. The rest
of them he canned in brine.


The next Monday, Brice tasted the pickles. They were a beautiful light green on the inside. They tasted heavenly, better than any pickle he’d ever tasted before.

Brice called Wilma into the lab.

“Hi, Wilma. These are the results of my research.”

“Wow! What do you have, a hundred quarts of pickles? How long did that take?”

Read Your Free Short Story Part 7

“That’s a week’s growth, from one cucumber plant. I’ve got a couple more plants growing, but we need to transplant them to a field. We’ll have to harvest them daily.”

“How? I’ve never seen anything like this!”

“I made one difficult genetic modification. I made a chimera, combining a cucumber with a hummingbird. Then I infected it with the zombie bacteria.”

“That’s insane! What made you try that?”

“I wanted the cucumbers to grow as fast as the zombies do.”

“Brilliant. You’re promoted to a senior researcher, right now.”

Brice proudly watched the fields of zombie cucumbers grow and harvested daily all that summer. If left unharvested for a day, the cucumbers would turn iridescent green, like a ruby-throated hummingbird.

These colorful vegetables became even more popular than the plain zombie hummingbird pickles.

One morning, overlooking a beautiful field of jewel-like green, Brice noticed a waving motion. Walking into the field, he saw the cucumber wriggling on the ground. The wriggling became waving, and then
flapping. Each cucumber grew a pair of flapping iridescent emerald wings.

In one motion, the entire field of cucumbers rose in a sparkling green murmuration from the ground.

With his mouth agape, Brice watched the glittering vegetable cloud head south.

After it was out of sight, Brice looked around the bedraggled field. Not one opalescent pickle remained.

“Hi Wilma, I’ve got some bad news,” he said into his phone.

“What’s that Brice?”

“The pickles have migrated south.”

“What? I have a connection problem. I thought you said, ‘the pickles have migrated south’.”

“Yes, that’s right. Apparently, the hummingbird DNA is more powerful than I thought. Their migration instinct has been spliced into the pickles.”

“You realize that field is worth over a million dollars. You’ve got to get it back.”

Part 8

“Calm down. I have a plan.”

“What’s that?”

“The pickle hummingbirds will probably instinctively migrate to Mexico, like regular hummingbirds.”

“Get going then. We need you to capture those flying pickles!”

“I’m leaving today.”

Brice arrived in Mexico City that night. He read the news and tracked the pickles by the news reports
and Instagram photos and Twitter gifs. Louisiana. Texas. Reynosa Mexico. Xalapa. Where was that? The
picture from Twitter showed iridescent pickles with wings nesting by the thousands in the trees.

He found Xalapa on the eastern side of the Mexican Rockies. He rented a truck, loaded it with the
supplies he had shipped with him, and headed there.

Brice drove to the grove of trees where the zombie cucumbers nested. He started the power washer in
the back of his truck and headed to the trees, dragging his hose. He sprayed a jet of salt water over the
cucumbers in trees, killing their zombie bacteria. They dropped to the ground by the thousands and tens
of thousands.

Brice then hired local farm workers to place them in jars filled with brine. He had enough for a whole
semi.

He didn’t catch all the escaped cucumbers, but he had enough to make up for the lost harvest.

Read Your Free Short Story – Part 9

After that, Vegan Inc prevented the pickles from developing to the winged stage. But enough escaped
Brice, that they became part of the annual pickle migration from Mexico to the US. People captured
thousands each year along the Mississippi migration route. Some people felt the wild zombie pickles
tasted better than the domestic, farm-raised ones. Vegan Inc. took advantage of this and built canning
factories in Mexico near the pickle nesting sites.

Vegan Inc. even sold their iridescent wings separately as a pickled delicacy. This became their most
profitable item. Until they dried the wings and sold them as earrings.

Author’s Comment


This story is set just after my first book Zombie Turkeys. I got the idea for flying pickles while joking with
my daughter Tori. When I picked her up to take her somewhere, I’d say, ‘Watch out for the flying pickles
as you go into the car. It’s the season for their annual migration.’ From that, we built up a whole life cycle
for flying pickles. Naturally, it had to be my short story collection.

What Did You Think of Read Your Free Short Story “In A Pickle”?

Andy Zach in repose
My Undead Mother-in-law Free
Andy Zach in repose

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Andy Zach